Prayer For Direction

The antidepressants are helping, but I still don't see a way out of this mess. Bottom line, I want this marriage to work. It would take a series of great miracles and I don't hold any hope any more. That leaves me with my second choice. I want out. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the one to break up this fragile family. I don't want to take the financial hit. But even more I don't want to live with  him knowing that even a little honesty from me sends him to that place of anger and hate.

I think we are getting close. Melody is terrified of him after he cornered her in his truck telling her the world is ending in 5 weeks. She was in tears. I confronted Mark and his response was he needs to talk to her again, in part to correct the wrong things I told her when she asked me about it. I apologized to Melody for betraying her confidence. Grace and I decided that Mark no longer gets time alone with her. She doesn't want to be around him at all. Grace insists the issue is off-limits but we both know World War III will be unleashed when that restriction is imposed. So we'll avoid it as best we can. But this might be the big one. The right approach is so clear yet he is so set on his views I don't think he'll bend.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
  
My prayer all day has been reminding myself and telling Jesus that I trust Him even though I don't understand this and I don't see a way out. But I acknowledge that He knows what He is orchestrating and I trust Him to direct my path. 

Glimmer

We had another "discussion" but with a better outcome. He seemed to understand when I told him I can't go on. He at least acknowledged my pain. We walked through a conflict resolution technique to try to address our differences with how to handle the finances. We were able to end in peace and I felt heard... a glimmer of hope.

Besides, his mom died last week unexpectedly. I was waiting until this time of fasting and prayer was complete before making any firm decision. For now I think I am to wait, although I am insisting on a few changes:

• I will spend the money to get a physical and ask about starting anti-depressants.
• I will spend the money to renew counseling.
• I hope he will agree to get the windows in the car repaired.

I want to document the prophecy spoken over me tonight, what I can remember anyway... The first picture was of a mine with small rail cars going deep, getting filled, coming to the surface, getting emptied and then repeating the cycle. The second picture was similar, a water wheel getting filled with water, spinning and generating power. Fill/empty/fill/empty/fill/empty again. I've lost trust and that is inhibiting the flow, the power. But God will soon connect the dots. I've been focused on just some of the dots, but He is working on bringing them all together. His power, the flow of His Spirit as I trust Him will pull together all these pieces that don't make sense right now. His promises will be fulfilled - I can trust Him. I have been given a gift of being able to see the gold buried in people, the ability to reach inside and "mine" that gold from deep within them and bring it to the surface.

Done

I think I'm done. Funny I should feel so numb coming to that conclusion after 34 years. I've given my all and the one thing I can't give is the one thing he has to have to even begin to try.

Maybe I'm not numb. I'm pissed. He lied to me.He repented and said he was sorry for the very same thing he is doing now. Bastard. Liar. How can he claim to be godly when he does that?

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

It's gonna be so scary and hard. But I can't go on...

Catching Up

A friend asked for more blogging yesterday, so I thought I'd share a few recent journal entries:

November 19th - Tender Fire
Matthew 1-4

 1: do not be afraid to take to you Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. ²¹ And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.”

3:¹⁶ When He had been baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened to Him, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting upon Him. ¹⁷ And suddenly a voice came from heaven, saying, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

4:¹⁶ The people who sat in darkness have seen a great light,
And upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death
Light has dawned.”

I'm struck in today's reading about how faithfully God spoke to Joseph in his dreams; very specific and true facts that Joseph then acted on. My dreams are becoming more powerful as I get older and I sense the Holy Spirit so strongly in that semi-sleep state between dreams and wakefulness. I pray for more clarity in this gift, more specifics and direction.

I also note the difference in the descriptions of Jesus as he was baptized. Speaking to the Pharisees, John described Jesus as a winnowing fork and an unquenchable fire that would consume all chaff. Yet the Father speaks in tenderness, sending a meek dove to rest on Jesus. I am drawn to the tenderness of the Father and the safety it offers. But I know the truth of God's fire and the strength of his power. Both are true and important parts of this God who loves me. 

Funny - Mark would be drawn to the fire and death of all unrighteousness. I hope someday I can grow strong enough in confidence of Jesus' tender love that I am no longer threatened by the thought of all-consuming fire. I can walk in the furnace as Daniel did and not a hair will be touched.

Fuel for my spirit and the newest task set before me ~ to forgive my husband for the burden of our house. I know he has said he was sorry, but only in passing and when forced. And I am at fault for letting my fear of his anger keep me from pursing correction at the time. I was so driven by the hope that this remodel would finally make him happy with our home, that maybe he would actually want to be with me, that he might find some peace and contentment and rest and joy in the life we share. I sooooo wanted there to be one less thing he was unhappy about that I gladly agreed to the remodel at any cost.

I resent his disregard for my concerns when the contractor started cheating us. I hate how I backed down so completely when Mark immediately got angry. I hate how he still disregards my concerns and complains that I am only trying to manipulate him. I hate how I have no choice but to back down in order to keep any peace between us.

There is more emotion on this issue buried. I need to let it work its way to the surface before waving the magic wand of forgiveness. Mark won't participate in this process, so I need to work it through with you, Holy Spirit. I choose truth over comfort. I seek healing over safety. I am ready for the fire to burn away the chaff... 

November 20th - Voiceless

Matthew 5-7

5:³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    For they shall be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    For they shall inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    For they shall be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    For they shall obtain mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    For they shall see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    For they shall be called sons of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
    For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

6:⁶ But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. 

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
¹⁰ Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹ Give us this day our daily bread.
¹² And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
¹³ And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. 

²⁵ “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

 Rich, rich teaching directly from Jesus in these chapters. I'm not sure what to do with the contradictions. We are told not to worry, yet later Jesus says to ask and keep asking. And what do we take literally and what is figurative? He didn't literally mean that we should cut out our eye...  In part I think its a focus on the big picture, the end goal - to reflect Him more clearly to this hurting world. To hate sin and love God above all. And its the order of things, His kingdom first, food and shelter second. That's a hard choice for me right now as we face not being able to pay the bills for the first time.

It's like I have no voice. I speak but I am not heard. It is wrong that Mark won't take a job right now. It was wrong that he hired a crook and then wouldn't listen when I voiced concern. He says he listens but then he does as he pleases. And I am supposed to submit joyfully.

That's the most painful part of this. He believes that I have no right to a voice, even with God. God only speaks through him. I can only reach God through him. He is first, I am less. Even though I know he is very wrong, its draining to live with his beliefs. And ultimately he exercises complete control. I couldn't stop him from hiring who he wanted. I can't force him to go to work.

So I'm left with no voice. Just empty silence knowing he sits across from me night after night full of bitterness, anger and pain. It matches my own. We sit and wait for the other to cave, to give up and sacrifice our faith to save our marriage. There must be some other way...

 

December 3rd - Hidden Tears

Romans 13-16 

14:¹³ Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way. ¹⁴ I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. ¹⁵ Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died. ¹⁶ Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil; ¹⁷ for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. ¹⁸ For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. ¹⁹ Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.

Mark's eating limitations are a symbol of the many restrictions that are placed on my life in order to live in peace with him. There is balance, he is also required to make choices that edify my end of the relationship. It feels one way to me but he claims he gives up a great deal daily to live in a non-Jewish home with me. 

Please God of heaven, show me how to live in righteousness, peace and joy in the midst of this misery. There must be answers that I can access regardless of his choices. There has to be something other than this eggshell dance of silence and hidden tears. PLEASE show me, Jesus! 

 

December 13th - Fire and Bread

I have a couple of pictures rumbling around in my head that help define this season in our lives (both mine and the girls). Refiners fire and kneading dough.

A refining fire burns out dross (garbage, fluff, impurities). It separates the pure metal from 'regular' rock. It creates deadly gases. The impure metal must be separated from the pure, poured off into new containers. It's hot, painful and dangerous.

Through this season of financial crisis and emotional darkness, I can give in to the dangers - breathe the fumes and die (give in to the darkness and go over the edge emotionally). I can stir the pot too much and not let the metals heat and separate out as they should (worry and fuss and strive to make things happen on my own). I can try to dull the fire and keep it too cool to do its work (rescuing the girls, taking a second job to make ends meet).

The softer and lighter the bread, the longer it needs to be kneaded. A soft roll goes thru the kneading and rising process at least twice. Kneading pushes and pulls the kinks out of the dough. The deep massage mixes the ingredients in ways a fork cannot. There is a change in texture an experienced baker comes to know when the dough is ready. It takes time, patience, a warm oven and strong hands.

This is a more comforting picture. It's still hard to be the dough, to be pushed and pulled and mixed to just the right consistency. But the longer the kneading, the longer the patient wait for the dough to rise, the softer and sweeter the bread. Perhaps our lives are not only being turned into purified metal (rich in the things that really matter) but we are being prepared as food for others - that our story will inspire and the softness of our lives will feed the hurting around us.

My key is to focus on the refiner, the baker. He is the expert and knows how to manage the process. He knows just how hot to build the fire, just how long to let the dough rise. I am comforted when I look at Him. It's easy to look at the circumstances and pray for God to do a miracle. I look up at Him occasionally pleading for things to change. I point out the hardships and remind Him that He is all-powerful. He could change it in an instant.

But my finger is pointed at the problem, my focus is downward at the hurt - not upward at His loving face. He holds my heart tenderly even in the storm, especially in the storm. His eyes towards us are filled with love and mercy. The waiting, the heat, the kneading are for my good. I can trust Him.

Battlefield

I have three main voices competing inside my head - my husband, the enemy and the Holy Spirit. My husband's words are the loudest, since they are the most recent and guide my day to day interaction. The enemy uses hubby's voice to do his work, uses hubby's words to trigger those long-buried beliefs that I am worthless and ugly. But I am coming to realize that the voice of the Holy Spirit is more of a whisper in my life, at least right now.

My challenge is which voice am I going to listen to? Do I keep replaying all those negative tapes from hubby (which he doesn't mean to be hurtful - so it should be ok, right?). Or the subtle but oh-so-constant suggestions by the enemy and his minions about how mean he is, that he doesn't love me, that I'm not good enough, that we'll never figure this out, about how wrong he is and how righteous I am.

Or do I slow down, focus and listen to the lover of my soul softly singing over me? In those rare moments when I tune out the noise and allow my spirit to come into tune with His, His Voice is so sweet. And the words are just right. And I am lifted and sing back in worship. For my Creator has made me new. He has redeemed me and set me free. I am my Beloved and He is mine...

Even if my marriage is empty and I never know when I am going to offend my husband - I am loved by God Almighty. Even if my daughter and granddaughter hardly need me anymore - my gifts are desired by the King of the universe. Even if my mom is weak and frail and the family dynamics are draining - the Master has a plan and a purpose. In the midst of the struggle, may I hear the whispers of love louder than the lies of hate. Because God's whispers are truth and no matter how strong or loud or repetitive, everything else is just noise...

Warning

¹⁴ Afterward Jesus found him in the temple, and said to him, “See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you.” Gospel of John

Those words were spoken to the man healed by the pool of Bethesda. He'd whined to Jesus about others always cutting on front of him and stealing his healing. So Jesus blessed him with new legs. And then He sought him out later with this warning after the church leaders had put the squeeze on him. Jesus gave me the same warning today.

¹² Thus says the Lord:

“Though they are safe, and likewise many,
Yet in this manner they will be cut down
When he passes through.
Though I have afflicted you,
I will afflict you no more;
¹³ For now I will break off his yoke from you,
And burst your bonds apart.”

         Nahum 1

I have returned to my former sin and it is killing me worse than before. My "safe and likewise many" patterns of self protection - cowering in fear from my husband, binge eating, reading, tv, movies, busyness of any kind. This dark and destructive path is my way of hiding and protecting my own heart. HE wants to pass through and break the yoke from me and burst my bonds apart.

I've run and hidden from any honest discussion with hubby since our last argument. We have lost so much ground over the last year. Part of that is my sin, some is his, some is the enemy and some neglect. I can only control my piece. If God is speaking this to me, then He will be with me as I confront my sin and walk a new way. I will be hurt again. But I can't protect myself. It doesn't work.

Strong and powerful Papa - protect my fragile heart. Give me words to express my heart (and Yours). Be with me in the battle and heal my wounds. Let your words be strong and his be weak. Break the yoke and burst the bonds that hold me captive.

Hope & Truth

One step at a time. One breath. Savor each moment of sun. Hold on thru the moments of sadness. They will pass. These are my lessons this week...

Just writing that little bit last week helped. Then hubby wanted to talk. I couldn't share anything with him other than I am struggling and am sorry it is hard for him. When I'm stronger, I'll open up again. It may only hurt again, but it's part of marriage, the tough part.

I've realized a lot of my sorrow doesn't come from my marriage. It's just easier to blame all on him for some reason. Mama's health is declining. It's draining to go to the doctor with her, fuss over medication, run interference with family - but mostly to watch her decline. It's not her anymore. She's functioning but her personality has changed. It's sad.

And I'm crazy scared about Melody. She just turned 12. Grace let her spend the night last night here with some friends. The house is soooooo quiet now. I'm lonely and I miss her. I feel like she's the only relationship I haven't screwed up yet. As she grows and becomes independent, I'll lose her too. Grace started her rebellion at 12. Started pills at 13. Started drinking at 14.  I'll die if Melody goes that same path. She's decided to leave Christian school and attend public school next year. I am frightened.

The mature part of my spirit recognizes these are feelings, not truth. I felt God whisper to me this week, "Your husband is not truth - I am truth." Hubby does not know absolute truth anymore than I do. His words over me - that I am in sin, that I am in rebellion, that I deserve this crappy marriage because of my refusal to believe the same things he does - those are not truth. My feelings of sorrow are not truth. What Father God speaks over me is truth. Jesus my beloved is truth. I am not alone. Therein lies hope for my future and trust for Melody as she embarks on her twelfth year. One breath at a time, holding onto hope and truth thru the sorrow.