A New Day

It will take time for trust to build (in ways it never really has before), but I think we began our journey of healing today. I am so quick to recall and document the things he does wrong, it's important that I document the things he did right today. I readily acknowledge there are many deep ways I need to change as well, many things I have done that are just as "bad" as his actions, but I have hope tonight for the first time...

• He said he wants  to be married to me for the first time. He's always said I pressured him into it before today.
• He asked me to forgive him. A couple of months ago he acknowledged he may have hurt me in the past, then got upset that I agreed with him. There were no strings attached today. We agreed we would have to work through the specifics, but his heart seems repentant.
• He recognizes that he has held many early hurts against me - and the impact that bitterness has had on our relationship. He is working to let those go, forgive me as he is asking me to forgive for his actions.
• He said I'm beautiful. He has never said anything like that before. I recall once he said I was pretty when I pressured him, but this was out of the blue. Wow...
• He has taken divorce off the table. Despite the opposite advice from all his friends and pastors, divorce is not an option. He started out rushing to divorce when I first moved out, then drew back a little last week to give me some time - but he "wasn't inclined to put it off very long." He promised today he would not be the one to make that move.
• He acknowledged that he has focused on the differences in our faith, with lots of pressure (he jokingly called it enthusiasm) to convince me why I needed to believe like him. He's realized we have more in common than not and he wants to focus on the commonalities. For a couple of years, he's been saying that we are on different trajectories on this most important part of our lives; that he sees no hope for staying together given those different paths. Today he said it will be complicated, but he is sure we can find a way to make this work.
• He has released me to make my own decision about our future with no pressure. He wants us to be together, but can't force me to agree with him. Despite our great progress today, I am not ready to move back home or drop the legal separation. He's ok with that, no pressure, no time tables.

I am overwhelmed in a whole new way... so much to process. One step at at time, choosing life and health. But finally, hope for a future with this man that I love.

Dark Days

I know these are the dark days - that things will get better eventually. But this emotional roller coaster is so damn hard. I don't know what's coming next, what will hit when or how to prepare for it. Absolutely everything is being stripped away and I can't stop it.

Today's hard curve on that roller coaster slammed my head against the wall - Melody will likely have to drop out of the only school she has ever known. Because I moved out, we have to maintain two households. We were riding on the edge financially already, this move puts us into bankruptcy. According to our attorney, no trustee will allow us to continue to pay her tuition.

After the year from hell she just experienced, I can't believe she has to go through this! How can a loving God allow that? If He knew this was coming, why didn't He warn me? Or will He work a miracle somehow and let her stay there?

He didn't say anything, but I bet my husband was thinking something along the lines of "it's all your fault". And I know that's how Grace and Melody will view it. How I wish I could go back and undo the last month right now! Grace is already mad at me. She and Melody are moving closer and closer to hubby, especially since they feel sorry for him and he has more money to pay for the things I used to provide.

Talk about a co-dependant's nightmare... no dependants left to rely on me any more. And on top of it, I'm the one who rocked our little wobbly boat, so I get the blame for everything. Even worse, I find myself heaping the blame on myself.

I know in my head I made the right decision (maybe not the best timing - but it was the best of two crappy choices I had before me). I know these are the dark days that will not last. I can't undo the past. The best I can do is hold on and make the best choices I can day to day, based on wisdom and health. So I'll do my best to rest in God and hope the darkness lightens just a little bit soon.
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New King James Version (NKJV)

Psalm 34

A Psalm of David when he pretended madness before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he departed.

 ¹ I will bless the LORD at all times;
         His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
 ² My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;
         The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
 ³ Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
         And let us exalt His name together.
      
 ⁴ I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
         And delivered me from all my fears.
 ⁵ They looked to Him and were radiant,
         And their faces were not ashamed.
 ⁶ This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
         And saved him out of all his troubles.
 ⁷ The angel^[a] of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
         And delivers them.
      
 ⁸ Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
         Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
 ⁹ Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
         There is no want to those who fear Him.
 ¹⁰ The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
         But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.
      
 ¹¹ Come, you children, listen to me;
         I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
 ¹² Who is the man who desires life,
         And loves many days, that he may see good?
 ¹³ Keep your tongue from evil,
         And your lips from speaking deceit.
 ¹⁴ Depart from evil and do good;
         Seek peace and pursue it.
      
 ¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
         And His ears are open to their cry.
 ¹⁶ The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
         To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
      
 ¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
         And delivers them out of all their troubles.
 ¹⁸ The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
         And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
      
 ¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
         But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
 ²⁰ He guards all his bones;
         Not one of them is broken.
 ²¹ Evil shall slay the wicked,
         And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
 ²² The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
         And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.

Sometimes

Sometimes, for just brief moments, I want my old life back. As sick as it was, it was familiar. And I didn't feel this pain. I was stressed and panicked and worried and scurrying constantly to keep the balance but I had the family around me. As conditional as our love was, I knew what I had to do to make them love me and I could control that.

Grace said this morning that she is concerned that I am pushing people away in this new freedom I am walking in. That I am making unforgivable mistakes. Like when we "stole" custody of Melody when Grace abandoned treatment for her heroin addiction. She reiterated this morning that she will NEVER forgive me for that. She only went back to heroin at that point because I wouldn't come rescue her. She is doing so well right now. I hope she can hold onto that over time when she doesn't own enough of her part in that hellish time.

In reality, I think Grace is grappling with the big changes going on with the pending divorce. It was all fine and good to talk about it and play with it in her mind, but now that it's here it's harder at the gut level than she expected.

She is so concerned about my husband, feels so very bad for him and the pain he is in. She keeps pointing out all the things she thinks I am doing wrong, how I should try this or that. She doesn't see all those steps that I did try, all those changes I have tried to make. And I still want to try, just from separate residences. I need to be away from the pressure and what feels like oppression to me when I'm around him and all his religious regulations.

So, I stand alone with my decisions right now. I think I've done the right thing overall. There have been plenty of missteps along the way, but the overall direction is right - even if it means I stand alone for now. Even though I sometimes miss the companionship of our very sick family structure, I will survive this. I pray in time they will see the wisdom, but if not I still have to walk this new way regardless...

No Tears

I just realized I've made through most of the day without crying - despite my husband announcing at lunch he's counter-suing for divorce. We tried to talk some more, but it's like we are speaking different languages.

He complains that I lie to him. I have to admit I'm not very honest with him, but it's because I'm afraid of his response. It's hard to even think clearly, much less process my feelings and articulate them clearly to him. It's not because I deliberately try to deceive him. I guess it amounts to the same thing.

The big issue today was when I asked my pastor for "spiritual covering" when I decided to stop attending my husband's church in April. Poor choice of words, and then I left the text message on my computer for husband to read. It would be more accurate to say I wanted confirmation of my decision from someone with spiritual authority in my life - someone other than my husband since he was the one I was opposing with my action.

I denied that I was seeking spiritual covering later - not only a lie in my husband's book but spiritual adultery since I was asking for covering that is supposed to come only from him. I've committed adultery now on top of being a liar.

I can't bring myself to feel guilty. I think I made the right decision to stop attending his church. And it was a good decision to ask for wise counsel, especially from my pastor on issues like this one regarding spiritual issues. Part of me is amazed at how my husband views the issue, and how lost he is in the betrayal it represents. I wish I could make him understand...

Am I numb or just waking up to a more reasonable view of my marriage? In the past I would be beyond distraught that he was so upset with me. But today it feels like just another confirmation that we are so different. No tears, but sorrow none-the-less. There will be plenty more tears in the coming weeks, but not so far today....

Adjustments

I wonder how long it will take to adjust to these major changes? It's been 32+ years building these habits. God knows how long it will take to break them.

For example yesterday at lunch when I stopped by the house he was sitting at his computer. We noted a few items of business and I took my leave. It is such habit, especially when emotions are running so high, to tell him I love him on my way out the door. It's what I honestly felt, along with deep regret that there does not appear to be anything more I can say right now. But I caught myself just in time. It took all my strength just to turn and walk out the door.

Is it weird that I still feel such love for him? He's done so much right, tries so hard. It's just those trace bitter roots buried in his heart that continue to haunt me. Are those things I just have to deal with? So he's not perfect - neither am I.

I guess its all water under the bridge now. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for separating. And I really don't regret it - I just wonder sometimes how I will view these events after the dust settles. At some point I want to understand what broke and what parts I own or I'll just repeat the pattern. It's not all him nor is it all me....

I'm coming to recognize there is a difference between the grieving for what could/should have been in a healthy marriage; that hope that I've held onto for decades that someday we'd get it right, that he'd love me and I'd find a way to express my love to him in ways that he understood, that we'd finally discover the meaning of intimacy. The grief that comes from realizing we will never get there is different from the grief of walking away from the reality of what we have right now. There is sorrow in both, but it helps to recognize the difference. And I grieve for the love I have for him that I can no longer express.

Such are the adjustments of a 54 year old woman striking out on her own for the first time. I expect it is one of many to come on this grand adventure...

Momentous

It's been a momentous few days. I'm surprised I don't feel more right now. Maybe the numbness is a blessing, my mind's way of slowing leaking out the pain in smaller doses so I can cope. But then again I've cried enough this week to fill a bathtub.

I moved out yesterday. I guess it was symbolic since I'll probably be moving back in in a month after he leaves, but damn it feels good to have my own space. I can leave the toilet seat up when I want, I can cook bacon if the fancy takes me. Any marriage takes compromise and these little on-going gifts of changing one's behavior are normal in any relationship. But I felt oppressed by them for some reason. I guess because my motivation most of the time was fear of his displeasure. The behavior was not a gift given out of love or respect.

My lawyer filed the papers today for a separation. Husband gets served tomorrow. There were several discussions this week about why we shouldn't hire attorney's, why we should just get this over with as quickly and cheaply as possible. As usual, I gave in and told him I'd see if we could use my attorney for a joint petition. Thankfully it's not that easy, especially since I really don't want to take that approach. So I filed for separation, not divorce like husband wants. He can respond how he wants and move for divorce.

Maybe being away will make it easier for me to find the strength to think for myself. I hope so. I'm feeling stronger about my reasons for making this move even if the smaller steps don't seem as clear. If I'm honest with myself, I know in the depth of my soul that it is never acceptable for him to treat me the way he does when he's angry - even if I unintentionally provoke him as he claims.

So, big momentous steps this 32nd anniversary week. It felt good to flip the calendar this morning on a new week. No clear path, no easy choices - but the beginning of peace. One breath at a time in this grand adventure I am on...

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary. And I'm moving out day after tomorrow.

It's also Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the good things in my marriage, the many good years. That realization hit home last night when he volunteered to get my car repaired next payday, even though I will be gone by then. I am walking away from so much that is good; a beautiful home, security and a husband who tries really hard. He's ok 95% of the time, it's just the other 5% I can't live with anymore.

I fluctuate between thinking I've lost my mind to a quiet excitement. Every once in awhile I feel a little bit of wonder, a sense of the great horizon before me where the possibilities are limitless. But most of the time I am terrified. I am all alone for the first time in my life. Even the brief couple of years between leaving home and getting married, I always had my parents to turn to. God, I miss my dad right now. I could sure use one of his big bear hugs....

So, I am on a grand adventure with a new captain. In prayer this week I felt Jesus gave me a picture. It was a man's leg and the muscles were growing stronger as I watched. It was kinda funny.... What He told me was that He was growing stronger now - that I had stepped out from under the covering of the inadequate into His covering. I was allowing Him to grow stronger on my behalf. Even my husband's desire to help with the car was from His influence. He was meeting my needs and will continue to do so.

Here's to smooth sailing - or at least a strong leg to hold onto when the waves crash over the bow....

Watermelon

I turned 55 today. He gave me a watermelon for my birthday. Given, its a "pure heart" melon, known to be ubber sweet. I guess some would consider it cute and romantic. But after 32 years together, I was hoping he knew me better.

As birthdays go, this one ranks right up there with my 40th - by myself on travel, watching a spectacular lighting storm at the Huston Airport hotel. Dad had just died and I felt so alone.... but then my brother called and it was all better. At least my husband had flowers sent to me at the hotel that year.

In a way I'm glad he didn't do anything super fancy. I'm pretty sure we are on our last legs and I'll be walking away soon. At least this way there is a little less guilt...

Why in the hell do I feel any guilt anyway? He's not a monster, but the last few years have taken their toll. He's been so angry so often, so free with his condemnation of all I hold dear. And since I won't go with him into his new religion, he is very free with his assessment of what he views as my sin, my wickedness or (in his softer moments), my deception and rebellion. I disgust him, I am cursed, I am deliberately trying to drive him out of his own home, I refuse sex (a big sin in his book), I won't submit to his God-given authority to lead his family.... those are a few I remember off the top of my head. And yet, I'm the one who feel guilty.

Getting angry again won't solve anything. I'm so tired of fighting back. It only brings out his dominance, the stiff rod of his right-ness, his sword of hurt. There is nothing left in me to fight with. The hurt is even numbing these days. It still hurts, but not as much. I get surprised sometimes - a watermelon for my 55th birthday for example.

So, I'll watch tv alone tonight while he works and the girls are at their own place. I bought myself some chocolate cake and peppermint ice cream. Mom took me to lunch. My church family gave me a card with notes from a dozen friends. Melody gave me coupons for a dozen chores. And I have very sweet watermelon to eat.

When all is stripped away, I am held in the arms of the Papa who gives me breath, who planned my birth and celebrates each day that I exist. I am not alone, I am not disgusting, I am not a failure even if my marriage is. Happy Birthday to me....

Silent Rage

It's always lurking just below the surface. His rage is in his eyes, in how he carries himself, in how he speaks. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I don't think so. He is in so much pain and it comes out in anger - or "frustration" as he calls it. Like a different label makes it less destructive somehow.

It doesn't take much to prick the surface of his rage these days. His new religion gives him a bigger platform to hand out his judgements. And those new judgements are so harsh, so unbending and cut to the core of everything I hold dear. My faith in Jesus is my all. He has rejected so much of what was once our shared faith.

He gets so "frustrated" when I go into my self-protective funk when we argue. I just shut down and won't answer him or respond truthfully. I feed back what he wants so we can end the "discussion". And that funk comes on much quicker these days. I feel so bruised and fragile. I told him at the end of the last argument that I am soooo afraid of him, and soooo very tired of being afraid of him. It's more than walking on egg shells, it's like walking on shards of glass all the time.

It's ironic that he is trying so hard to be quiet right now. But I still feel the rage. It's right there, in his eyes along with the pain and worry. Damn, he means well. He's so sincere, but he won't accept my viewpoint. He thinks I shouldn't be afraid, so there is no other solution allowed but that I stop being afraid.

I remember a news story a few months back. A man had murdered his girl friend. He was so sorry. He just lost his temper and went too far. He wished he could take it all back.

Sounds like our arguments these last couple of years. He is so sorry for what he says, how he beats me up with his words. There has never been any hint of physical violence, but it lurk in the air. He was violent with our daughter. I don't know why he has never applied it to me.

That's part of what I'm grappling with. He is capable of hurting when he looses his temper. Or even more frightening, when he thinks it's for a "good cause". He used that excuse when he physically held and restrained Grace... which always turned into a physical fight. And his police training always gave him the upper hand.

Grace recently recalled one really bad fight. She broke his glasses and he bruised her. I don't recall the fight. She says I was at work and refused to come home when she called for help. I think it was one of the times my husband had decided we needed to confront Grace on something and wanted me out of the picture so I wouldn't interfere.

I agreed with him at the time - I would have stepped in and stopped him when it got physical. I really believed his approach that I leave was best. I NEVER should have allowed him to go so far. Grace now bears the scars of my fear of confrontation, my inability to face my husband.

That's the rage he keeps silent within himself. It's still there, lurking, waiting to be pricked and spill over...

Two Journeys - One Woman

I started this blog with as much anonymity as I could. I need to be free to write about all of my journey without friends and family reading who may be offended or upset with my words. But I have another blog where I've been writing about my journey as the mother of a heroin addict. Today was a big day for my daughter and grand-daughter. I think it is fitting to tie the two blogs together today. I wrote this first entry in July on A Mother's Journey, and followed it up with today's entry below.
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July 13, 2011

So, besides the daily struggles to keep up with life (and never finding that combination of time and energy to blog here), I am wondering today how much of my current struggles are real and how much of them are alive only in my mind? How much of what I'm seeing in my family is due to the reasons I think and how much could just be me putting a negative spin on something neutral?

I've spent so much of my life doing "damage control" - or rather "pre-damage control" - trying to anticipate the hurts before they come so I can prepare for them. But in the process, I'm always assuming the worst. That leaves me angry or sad or upset with those around me even if nothing is going on. And my actions and attitude will influence how they respond to me. It can be a vicious circle that starts in my fear and escalates into reality.

For instance, hubby has been very distant and non-communicative for several weeks. I assumed it was because he was mad at me based on our last in-depth conversation. Turns out he's been fighting migraine headaches for 6 weeks now. The new medicine is working wonders in his attitude - and my assumptions.

Maybe all his silence is not directly related to me... Maybe the world does not revolve around me... Maybe this family has motivations and reasons for how it functions that are not directly under my control... I know that in my head, but my heart wants it to be different. If I'm at the center then I'm in control. If I'm in control then I can ensure I won't get hurt or have to see others hurt. The problem is no human gets a painless life...

I think its part of getting real, of learning to see things as they really are. Living in denial is more than just seeing everything as "nice" and "ok" with no problems; sometimes its seeing everything as crisis or bad or ugly when its not. Most of the time its some combination. Today's challenge is figuring out where that balance is.
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October 19, 2011

Funny, reading through that last post highlights my confusion these days. See, my husband was indeed VERY angry with me. He was a little more talkative for a few days once his headaches eased, but it was short-lived. He continued in the silent treatment until another big explosion (or at least it felt like an explosion to me). I even moved my things into the spare bedroom while he was a church that night after the argument, but he came home remorseful and repentant. To his credit, he's been trying harder since then. But he still gets angry and says things that hurt me. And I'm so bruised it doesn't take much to make me bleed right now.

But all that is secondary to today's big milestone. Grace was officially "awarded" custody of Melody today. What a concept, like a prize in a contest. Hummm, kinda was in some respects. But Grace has made so much progress and everyone agreed it's time. We all cried in relief, even Grace.

On a side note, Grace pricked a memory in me tonight. She was complaining about how my husband and I hijacked her Facebook page when she disappeared after leaving treatment. We had promised we would have her arrested for the theft of my jewelery if she left treatment so she ran, leaving Melody with us. We were panicked, wanting to know she was ok. She rightfully resents having her privacy invaded that way and how we announced her drug use to all her friends and former co-workers. There are a thousand arguments for and against what we did, none of which I want to explore tonight.

But she said tonight in her bitterness that we didn't care about her welfare at the time. She has no concept... one of my most vivid memories at the time was getting the dentist's phone number ready in case we needed her dental records. We were prepared to identify her body if needed. How does a mother weigh these preparations against her daughter's right to privacy on Facebook?

Yet the bigger picture tonight is that Melody is officially under Grace's control again. I am jubilant - such a positive step. Grace has beat the odds already. She and Melody are relating so much better than I've ever seen them do. They love each other so much and deserve this.

It's so strange to feel this joy along with the deepest terror I've ever experienced in my life. It's not so much a fear that Grace will return to heroin (although that is a frightening possibility), or even the fear from loosing control over Melody (I can't protect her anymore)... I am deathly afraid of being alone...

They love each other and don't need me anymore. That was the whole point of this, right? But I have built my life on them, they give me meaning and purpose. I am nothing without them. They are all that is good in my life. Not only were they my distraction from all that is lacking in my marriage, they are the very essence of who I am. I cannot fathom a future where they function independently without me.

Weird. I've been telling Grace for decades now that she has to figure out how to function on her own. One of these days we won't be there to take care of her, to rescue her. Now she's fought her way to that reality all on her own. And I'm the one in a panic. I have no idea how to live like this...

Your Life Is An Occasion: Rise To It

Mr. Magoirum's final words to his protege; "Your life is an occasion, rise to it". In some sense, my life is finally a blank canvas at 54 years old. I really think my marriage is over. I can't sort out how much of it is my fault right now, although I know a great deal is from my own hand. But the bigger challenge right now is not to take all the blame, not to assume that this is in my control.

I am so afraid of my husband; and so tired of being afraid. I can't talk to him, I can't be honest with him. I'm teaching my grand-daughter to lie to him in our common fear of his anger and disapproval. I can't go on. I keep waiting for the next explosion, but it may come too late for my soul. My innards may be dead by then.

How do I walk away, 54 years old, likely unemployed in a few months, penniless. Yet how to do I stay, knowing he thinks I am cursed because I won't submit to him and his religion? How do I respond when I know he's hinting for sex and his last angry outburst is ringing in my ears? How do I connect to someone who is so disconnected from me and all I hold dear?

Even with all our differences, its how we relate that is the bottom line. We could follow two very different faiths as we do now, but we need to be free to choose individually. I can think he's wrong and still treat him kindly and with respect. Somehow in his woundedness, he only sees contempt in my disagreement. And he responds in anger, beats me down emotionally.

I could list the many abusive things he's said trying to gain my compliance to his viewpoint, but I don't know if that really matters. What matters is that he beats me with his words. What matters is that he explodes on me. What matters is that I am not allowed to think or say or do anything he does not approve of.

I have such a hard time understanding what goes on inside me. I think the main reason I'm still here is for my grand-daughter. My daughter should have custody back soon. That's when the canvas gets really white, open for new color. Will I rise to the occasion? How do I walk in the meantime? I think I need to be honest about a couple of things, but I know he'll be angry. It's what he does with that anger that scares me. And I'm so exhausted from the fear.

Please help me, Father. Help me rise to the occasion, to the life You designed me for. I know what I have right now is not the life, not the me You intended. Nor is it for my husband. What is the next step, when do I take it?

Dreams

I had another intense dream just before waking this morning that I want to document:

I was in a house with a bunch of other people. There were reports that a huge storm was brewing and we should stay inside to stay safe. I wandered outside a bit and it was eerily calm, like it was just before the Thanksgiving Day storm many years ago. Others were out there, not believing the forecast and I worried that they might get hurt - but I didn't say anything.

I went back inside and ended up stuck in the middle of a group of people I didn't know. They were greeting each other and happily conversing. I wanted to talk with them about the coming storm, but didn't want to interrupt them or disturb their conversations.

So I pushed my way out and wandered into another room. There was a news story about a group of black people who had the skin disease that turned their skin white. It was contagious and they had been trying to hide it, but been discovered.  They were lined up on choir steps and stood up one at a time till you could see their face. I knew some of the people. I remember being shocked not only that I knew them but that they were infected and had tried to hide it. That's all I remember of the dream anymore.

I think the skin issue was because I saw a gentleman with that condition yesterday. I'm not sure what the impending storm means. I was thinking it related to my sense of doom with my assessment that my 31 year marriage won't last much longer. But maybe it's my fear that my husband's prediction of chaos and world collapse coming in the next year might be true. I think the group of people I wanted to talk to but wouldn't bother was related to church and missing the deeper fellowship/support I once had. I've asked for help but everyone is busy and in crisis right now. Dunno... guess I'll continue to pray for insight and interpretation.

I forced myself to spend just a few minutes with Jesus this afternoon. There is an underlying tension in my life these days, no peace. I wanted to retreat to the image of the special place I have with Jesus in the lilac grove of my childhood, but I realized I was afraid to go there. I was afraid it would be cold and empty in the dead of winter, like I am dreading in real life right now. Just then I saw in my mind's eye that there is a small area in the midst of the winter scene that was warm, green and alive - because that's where Jesus was. It was like Aslan invading the Snow Queen's kingdom, winter death could not withstand the force of His Life.

I thought at first it was a bubble, something inside a safe protective layer. But He pointed out it was not, the green space with Him was open and connected to the space around it. And He promised this is how it is when I am with Him, it is green and alive and warm with Him. He promised that is how it will be during the coming winter and its storms. I can stay with Him and it will be warm and green and alive. Interesting, I just notice He didn't promise safety or freedom from pain... but that He would be there and it would be ok within His green, alive space.

Sigh....

God, I wish this season of testing and challenge would just be done already. I want to have already emerged as a confident, sure woman who knows what she feels and is strong enough to express it when needed. Not that I'd have to speak up every time something crossed my path. But I think I'm too silent right now. As my daughter said today, we avoid upsetting my husband at all costs. But that cost has become too high anymore....

Yet the fear of his anger still controls me most days. He's been so nice and cordial these last few weeks. I know I'm adding to the building tension as I hold back and avoid him in preparation for the next explosion. I've tried so hard to be loving and reach out to him in the past, even in his anger. I just feel so drained right now, so dead and empty in this relationship. I feel bad that we can't coordinate our moods better and both feel good at the same time. It's sure easy to both feel bad at the same time...

It probably doesn't help that my support system is falling apart. Church as been such a vital part of health and support for me, especially the ladies. The women haven't met over the summer and the overall church seems to be falling apart. My struggles get mixed up with the many other struggles there and it's hard to ask for special attention when there is so much stress. Sigh...

So I'm just left with this vague sense of impending doom, cowering the corner. It's not all my husband either. It's a job I hate, it's a daughter in perpetual crisis (even as she struggles to pull herself out of drugs and build a new life for herself and my grand-daughter).... just too many negatives in my life at once...

One breath at a time, moment to moment. I try to savor each thing of beauty in my day. I've been around long enough to know that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. As this beautiful summer draws to a close and I look ahead to the cold, dark days of winter I pray for peace and hope in my future no matter where it ends up. I pray for strength to lift my eyes enough to see Jesus around me, holding me, breathing each moment with me. I am never alone. There is comfort in that alone.

It's Weird?

He says it's weird that I'm insisting that one of our cars is in my name. It wasn't weird 10 years ago when we bought a car specifically for me. He doesn't think its weird that that he has all the vehicles only in his name. We've been shuffling cars for my last couple of vehicles, so I've ended up with a car in his name only. This last move a few weeks ago brought that fact to my attention (I got the car he had been driving when he bought a truck).

I explained to him that I am concerned about his prediction that the biblical prophecy to "flee to the hills" will happen in the next year. He feels God has told him to get ready, but he has no sense of when or where. So he sold his beloved motorcycle and bought a truck. He's working on outfitting it and then will stockpile it.

I am a strong believer in the Bible. God is gracious when He warns us about coming events. But I've told hubby that I don't have any sense that we need to prepare for catastrophe or be ready to flee. But if he thinks God tells him to take off at some point, I will carefully consider whether or not run with him.

It's in part because of his insistence that he will leave sometime in the next year that I feel I need to prepare for the possibility that I won't go with him. That and I'm considering leaving after granddaughter goes back with mom. But I really don't want to do that. I'm praying for a miracle.

But having to insist, after asking several times, topped off with the muttered comment "it's weird" - these are not the makings of a miracle yet.

I know cognitively my request is not weird. It's a normal reaction that most humans would have regardless of gender. He has a dangerous job. My friend that was recently widowed talks about how hard it is to get everything transferred into her name, even with a death certificate.

So the challenge is to do what I think is right - hold steady - regardless of mutterings. I am grateful the pressure is not more intense. Steady goes it...

Coping

I've never had this hard a time coping before, even though my life seems pretty calm these days. It's weird how the emotional turmoil catches up when there is a moment of calm...

Today's touch from Abba: Just a quick hug to let me know that this season is for a purpose. Like when a patient has to recover from surgery, there is a time of healing and restoration needed. Even though the patient is still strong and capable and able, it's best to let the body heal correctly. It helps prevent infection and makes the tissue heal as it should.

It's important for me to frame the day with that picture. Today I remembered when my pastor shared her concern just over a year ago; that I not take the job offer out of state and stay here. She felt God was going to do great healing in my family. That memory is in sharp contrast to the reality of the "healing" I feel today, with the horizon looking so bleak and the last year so incredibly hard. But I think that was what God was saying, that what I'm seeing on the surface is not the full picture. There is more cleansing and healing going on behind the scenes than I can see right now.

I guess I should give some background. My daughter is a recovering heroin addict (thank God for the recovery), but its hard to watch her grow up. My husband and I have custody of our granddaughter. It looks like she will go home to mom in the next couple of months. I'm terrified and happy at the same time.

My husband has become increasing abusive over the last couple of years as well. He joined a new church and is VERY upset that I won't believe as he does (or at least submit to his "spiritual authority" about how we practice our faith). I've been able to recognize this has just exacerbated some preexisting patterns and brought them into the light. In a way, that's a good thing. But its still hard to endure.

He's very proud of the fact that he's never hit me. That makes me kinda sick to think about. There are plenty of other ways to hurt each other. He's trying very hard to be nice since the last argument. Sigh.... I can't help but grow tense waiting for the next one to build and blow. I'm concerned that I help create the tension since I grow more distant over time as I worry about it.

I discovered I have unused air miles today. It made me cry thinking about my old job (that I loved) and my current job (that I am thankful for but am so miserable with). I want to get on a plane and never come back. Start over again with my wounds, to hell with how they heal. Problem is I know enough to recognize that "no matter where I go, there I am"...

Welcome

I guess tonight's effort is just to get the format for this new outlet completed. I'll say a quick welcome to whomever may end up reading this. I hope to write this blog fairly anonymously. There is so much turmoil in my heart that I need to sort out. As a writer, it's the keyboard that serves as my filter to organize the chaos. But I need to be free to write about child and husband and church and friends without offending anyone. In the past, I've shared my blogs with friends. This time I need to just write from the heart without concern about others reactions.

So, here goes! Let the chaos taming begin!!!