Dreams

I had another intense dream just before waking this morning that I want to document:

I was in a house with a bunch of other people. There were reports that a huge storm was brewing and we should stay inside to stay safe. I wandered outside a bit and it was eerily calm, like it was just before the Thanksgiving Day storm many years ago. Others were out there, not believing the forecast and I worried that they might get hurt - but I didn't say anything.

I went back inside and ended up stuck in the middle of a group of people I didn't know. They were greeting each other and happily conversing. I wanted to talk with them about the coming storm, but didn't want to interrupt them or disturb their conversations.

So I pushed my way out and wandered into another room. There was a news story about a group of black people who had the skin disease that turned their skin white. It was contagious and they had been trying to hide it, but been discovered.  They were lined up on choir steps and stood up one at a time till you could see their face. I knew some of the people. I remember being shocked not only that I knew them but that they were infected and had tried to hide it. That's all I remember of the dream anymore.

I think the skin issue was because I saw a gentleman with that condition yesterday. I'm not sure what the impending storm means. I was thinking it related to my sense of doom with my assessment that my 31 year marriage won't last much longer. But maybe it's my fear that my husband's prediction of chaos and world collapse coming in the next year might be true. I think the group of people I wanted to talk to but wouldn't bother was related to church and missing the deeper fellowship/support I once had. I've asked for help but everyone is busy and in crisis right now. Dunno... guess I'll continue to pray for insight and interpretation.

I forced myself to spend just a few minutes with Jesus this afternoon. There is an underlying tension in my life these days, no peace. I wanted to retreat to the image of the special place I have with Jesus in the lilac grove of my childhood, but I realized I was afraid to go there. I was afraid it would be cold and empty in the dead of winter, like I am dreading in real life right now. Just then I saw in my mind's eye that there is a small area in the midst of the winter scene that was warm, green and alive - because that's where Jesus was. It was like Aslan invading the Snow Queen's kingdom, winter death could not withstand the force of His Life.

I thought at first it was a bubble, something inside a safe protective layer. But He pointed out it was not, the green space with Him was open and connected to the space around it. And He promised this is how it is when I am with Him, it is green and alive and warm with Him. He promised that is how it will be during the coming winter and its storms. I can stay with Him and it will be warm and green and alive. Interesting, I just notice He didn't promise safety or freedom from pain... but that He would be there and it would be ok within His green, alive space.

Sigh....

God, I wish this season of testing and challenge would just be done already. I want to have already emerged as a confident, sure woman who knows what she feels and is strong enough to express it when needed. Not that I'd have to speak up every time something crossed my path. But I think I'm too silent right now. As my daughter said today, we avoid upsetting my husband at all costs. But that cost has become too high anymore....

Yet the fear of his anger still controls me most days. He's been so nice and cordial these last few weeks. I know I'm adding to the building tension as I hold back and avoid him in preparation for the next explosion. I've tried so hard to be loving and reach out to him in the past, even in his anger. I just feel so drained right now, so dead and empty in this relationship. I feel bad that we can't coordinate our moods better and both feel good at the same time. It's sure easy to both feel bad at the same time...

It probably doesn't help that my support system is falling apart. Church as been such a vital part of health and support for me, especially the ladies. The women haven't met over the summer and the overall church seems to be falling apart. My struggles get mixed up with the many other struggles there and it's hard to ask for special attention when there is so much stress. Sigh...

So I'm just left with this vague sense of impending doom, cowering the corner. It's not all my husband either. It's a job I hate, it's a daughter in perpetual crisis (even as she struggles to pull herself out of drugs and build a new life for herself and my grand-daughter).... just too many negatives in my life at once...

One breath at a time, moment to moment. I try to savor each thing of beauty in my day. I've been around long enough to know that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. As this beautiful summer draws to a close and I look ahead to the cold, dark days of winter I pray for peace and hope in my future no matter where it ends up. I pray for strength to lift my eyes enough to see Jesus around me, holding me, breathing each moment with me. I am never alone. There is comfort in that alone.

It's Weird?

He says it's weird that I'm insisting that one of our cars is in my name. It wasn't weird 10 years ago when we bought a car specifically for me. He doesn't think its weird that that he has all the vehicles only in his name. We've been shuffling cars for my last couple of vehicles, so I've ended up with a car in his name only. This last move a few weeks ago brought that fact to my attention (I got the car he had been driving when he bought a truck).

I explained to him that I am concerned about his prediction that the biblical prophecy to "flee to the hills" will happen in the next year. He feels God has told him to get ready, but he has no sense of when or where. So he sold his beloved motorcycle and bought a truck. He's working on outfitting it and then will stockpile it.

I am a strong believer in the Bible. God is gracious when He warns us about coming events. But I've told hubby that I don't have any sense that we need to prepare for catastrophe or be ready to flee. But if he thinks God tells him to take off at some point, I will carefully consider whether or not run with him.

It's in part because of his insistence that he will leave sometime in the next year that I feel I need to prepare for the possibility that I won't go with him. That and I'm considering leaving after granddaughter goes back with mom. But I really don't want to do that. I'm praying for a miracle.

But having to insist, after asking several times, topped off with the muttered comment "it's weird" - these are not the makings of a miracle yet.

I know cognitively my request is not weird. It's a normal reaction that most humans would have regardless of gender. He has a dangerous job. My friend that was recently widowed talks about how hard it is to get everything transferred into her name, even with a death certificate.

So the challenge is to do what I think is right - hold steady - regardless of mutterings. I am grateful the pressure is not more intense. Steady goes it...

Coping

I've never had this hard a time coping before, even though my life seems pretty calm these days. It's weird how the emotional turmoil catches up when there is a moment of calm...

Today's touch from Abba: Just a quick hug to let me know that this season is for a purpose. Like when a patient has to recover from surgery, there is a time of healing and restoration needed. Even though the patient is still strong and capable and able, it's best to let the body heal correctly. It helps prevent infection and makes the tissue heal as it should.

It's important for me to frame the day with that picture. Today I remembered when my pastor shared her concern just over a year ago; that I not take the job offer out of state and stay here. She felt God was going to do great healing in my family. That memory is in sharp contrast to the reality of the "healing" I feel today, with the horizon looking so bleak and the last year so incredibly hard. But I think that was what God was saying, that what I'm seeing on the surface is not the full picture. There is more cleansing and healing going on behind the scenes than I can see right now.

I guess I should give some background. My daughter is a recovering heroin addict (thank God for the recovery), but its hard to watch her grow up. My husband and I have custody of our granddaughter. It looks like she will go home to mom in the next couple of months. I'm terrified and happy at the same time.

My husband has become increasing abusive over the last couple of years as well. He joined a new church and is VERY upset that I won't believe as he does (or at least submit to his "spiritual authority" about how we practice our faith). I've been able to recognize this has just exacerbated some preexisting patterns and brought them into the light. In a way, that's a good thing. But its still hard to endure.

He's very proud of the fact that he's never hit me. That makes me kinda sick to think about. There are plenty of other ways to hurt each other. He's trying very hard to be nice since the last argument. Sigh.... I can't help but grow tense waiting for the next one to build and blow. I'm concerned that I help create the tension since I grow more distant over time as I worry about it.

I discovered I have unused air miles today. It made me cry thinking about my old job (that I loved) and my current job (that I am thankful for but am so miserable with). I want to get on a plane and never come back. Start over again with my wounds, to hell with how they heal. Problem is I know enough to recognize that "no matter where I go, there I am"...

Welcome

I guess tonight's effort is just to get the format for this new outlet completed. I'll say a quick welcome to whomever may end up reading this. I hope to write this blog fairly anonymously. There is so much turmoil in my heart that I need to sort out. As a writer, it's the keyboard that serves as my filter to organize the chaos. But I need to be free to write about child and husband and church and friends without offending anyone. In the past, I've shared my blogs with friends. This time I need to just write from the heart without concern about others reactions.

So, here goes! Let the chaos taming begin!!!