Coping

I've never had this hard a time coping before, even though my life seems pretty calm these days. It's weird how the emotional turmoil catches up when there is a moment of calm...

Today's touch from Abba: Just a quick hug to let me know that this season is for a purpose. Like when a patient has to recover from surgery, there is a time of healing and restoration needed. Even though the patient is still strong and capable and able, it's best to let the body heal correctly. It helps prevent infection and makes the tissue heal as it should.

It's important for me to frame the day with that picture. Today I remembered when my pastor shared her concern just over a year ago; that I not take the job offer out of state and stay here. She felt God was going to do great healing in my family. That memory is in sharp contrast to the reality of the "healing" I feel today, with the horizon looking so bleak and the last year so incredibly hard. But I think that was what God was saying, that what I'm seeing on the surface is not the full picture. There is more cleansing and healing going on behind the scenes than I can see right now.

I guess I should give some background. My daughter is a recovering heroin addict (thank God for the recovery), but its hard to watch her grow up. My husband and I have custody of our granddaughter. It looks like she will go home to mom in the next couple of months. I'm terrified and happy at the same time.

My husband has become increasing abusive over the last couple of years as well. He joined a new church and is VERY upset that I won't believe as he does (or at least submit to his "spiritual authority" about how we practice our faith). I've been able to recognize this has just exacerbated some preexisting patterns and brought them into the light. In a way, that's a good thing. But its still hard to endure.

He's very proud of the fact that he's never hit me. That makes me kinda sick to think about. There are plenty of other ways to hurt each other. He's trying very hard to be nice since the last argument. Sigh.... I can't help but grow tense waiting for the next one to build and blow. I'm concerned that I help create the tension since I grow more distant over time as I worry about it.

I discovered I have unused air miles today. It made me cry thinking about my old job (that I loved) and my current job (that I am thankful for but am so miserable with). I want to get on a plane and never come back. Start over again with my wounds, to hell with how they heal. Problem is I know enough to recognize that "no matter where I go, there I am"...