Sigh....

God, I wish this season of testing and challenge would just be done already. I want to have already emerged as a confident, sure woman who knows what she feels and is strong enough to express it when needed. Not that I'd have to speak up every time something crossed my path. But I think I'm too silent right now. As my daughter said today, we avoid upsetting my husband at all costs. But that cost has become too high anymore....

Yet the fear of his anger still controls me most days. He's been so nice and cordial these last few weeks. I know I'm adding to the building tension as I hold back and avoid him in preparation for the next explosion. I've tried so hard to be loving and reach out to him in the past, even in his anger. I just feel so drained right now, so dead and empty in this relationship. I feel bad that we can't coordinate our moods better and both feel good at the same time. It's sure easy to both feel bad at the same time...

It probably doesn't help that my support system is falling apart. Church as been such a vital part of health and support for me, especially the ladies. The women haven't met over the summer and the overall church seems to be falling apart. My struggles get mixed up with the many other struggles there and it's hard to ask for special attention when there is so much stress. Sigh...

So I'm just left with this vague sense of impending doom, cowering the corner. It's not all my husband either. It's a job I hate, it's a daughter in perpetual crisis (even as she struggles to pull herself out of drugs and build a new life for herself and my grand-daughter).... just too many negatives in my life at once...

One breath at a time, moment to moment. I try to savor each thing of beauty in my day. I've been around long enough to know that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. As this beautiful summer draws to a close and I look ahead to the cold, dark days of winter I pray for peace and hope in my future no matter where it ends up. I pray for strength to lift my eyes enough to see Jesus around me, holding me, breathing each moment with me. I am never alone. There is comfort in that alone.