Silent Rage

It's always lurking just below the surface. His rage is in his eyes, in how he carries himself, in how he speaks. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I don't think so. He is in so much pain and it comes out in anger - or "frustration" as he calls it. Like a different label makes it less destructive somehow.

It doesn't take much to prick the surface of his rage these days. His new religion gives him a bigger platform to hand out his judgements. And those new judgements are so harsh, so unbending and cut to the core of everything I hold dear. My faith in Jesus is my all. He has rejected so much of what was once our shared faith.

He gets so "frustrated" when I go into my self-protective funk when we argue. I just shut down and won't answer him or respond truthfully. I feed back what he wants so we can end the "discussion". And that funk comes on much quicker these days. I feel so bruised and fragile. I told him at the end of the last argument that I am soooo afraid of him, and soooo very tired of being afraid of him. It's more than walking on egg shells, it's like walking on shards of glass all the time.

It's ironic that he is trying so hard to be quiet right now. But I still feel the rage. It's right there, in his eyes along with the pain and worry. Damn, he means well. He's so sincere, but he won't accept my viewpoint. He thinks I shouldn't be afraid, so there is no other solution allowed but that I stop being afraid.

I remember a news story a few months back. A man had murdered his girl friend. He was so sorry. He just lost his temper and went too far. He wished he could take it all back.

Sounds like our arguments these last couple of years. He is so sorry for what he says, how he beats me up with his words. There has never been any hint of physical violence, but it lurk in the air. He was violent with our daughter. I don't know why he has never applied it to me.

That's part of what I'm grappling with. He is capable of hurting when he looses his temper. Or even more frightening, when he thinks it's for a "good cause". He used that excuse when he physically held and restrained Grace... which always turned into a physical fight. And his police training always gave him the upper hand.

Grace recently recalled one really bad fight. She broke his glasses and he bruised her. I don't recall the fight. She says I was at work and refused to come home when she called for help. I think it was one of the times my husband had decided we needed to confront Grace on something and wanted me out of the picture so I wouldn't interfere.

I agreed with him at the time - I would have stepped in and stopped him when it got physical. I really believed his approach that I leave was best. I NEVER should have allowed him to go so far. Grace now bears the scars of my fear of confrontation, my inability to face my husband.

That's the rage he keeps silent within himself. It's still there, lurking, waiting to be pricked and spill over...