Your Life Is An Occasion: Rise To It

Mr. Magoirum's final words to his protege; "Your life is an occasion, rise to it". In some sense, my life is finally a blank canvas at 54 years old. I really think my marriage is over. I can't sort out how much of it is my fault right now, although I know a great deal is from my own hand. But the bigger challenge right now is not to take all the blame, not to assume that this is in my control.

I am so afraid of my husband; and so tired of being afraid. I can't talk to him, I can't be honest with him. I'm teaching my grand-daughter to lie to him in our common fear of his anger and disapproval. I can't go on. I keep waiting for the next explosion, but it may come too late for my soul. My innards may be dead by then.

How do I walk away, 54 years old, likely unemployed in a few months, penniless. Yet how to do I stay, knowing he thinks I am cursed because I won't submit to him and his religion? How do I respond when I know he's hinting for sex and his last angry outburst is ringing in my ears? How do I connect to someone who is so disconnected from me and all I hold dear?

Even with all our differences, its how we relate that is the bottom line. We could follow two very different faiths as we do now, but we need to be free to choose individually. I can think he's wrong and still treat him kindly and with respect. Somehow in his woundedness, he only sees contempt in my disagreement. And he responds in anger, beats me down emotionally.

I could list the many abusive things he's said trying to gain my compliance to his viewpoint, but I don't know if that really matters. What matters is that he beats me with his words. What matters is that he explodes on me. What matters is that I am not allowed to think or say or do anything he does not approve of.

I have such a hard time understanding what goes on inside me. I think the main reason I'm still here is for my grand-daughter. My daughter should have custody back soon. That's when the canvas gets really white, open for new color. Will I rise to the occasion? How do I walk in the meantime? I think I need to be honest about a couple of things, but I know he'll be angry. It's what he does with that anger that scares me. And I'm so exhausted from the fear.

Please help me, Father. Help me rise to the occasion, to the life You designed me for. I know what I have right now is not the life, not the me You intended. Nor is it for my husband. What is the next step, when do I take it?