No Tears

I just realized I've made through most of the day without crying - despite my husband announcing at lunch he's counter-suing for divorce. We tried to talk some more, but it's like we are speaking different languages.

He complains that I lie to him. I have to admit I'm not very honest with him, but it's because I'm afraid of his response. It's hard to even think clearly, much less process my feelings and articulate them clearly to him. It's not because I deliberately try to deceive him. I guess it amounts to the same thing.

The big issue today was when I asked my pastor for "spiritual covering" when I decided to stop attending my husband's church in April. Poor choice of words, and then I left the text message on my computer for husband to read. It would be more accurate to say I wanted confirmation of my decision from someone with spiritual authority in my life - someone other than my husband since he was the one I was opposing with my action.

I denied that I was seeking spiritual covering later - not only a lie in my husband's book but spiritual adultery since I was asking for covering that is supposed to come only from him. I've committed adultery now on top of being a liar.

I can't bring myself to feel guilty. I think I made the right decision to stop attending his church. And it was a good decision to ask for wise counsel, especially from my pastor on issues like this one regarding spiritual issues. Part of me is amazed at how my husband views the issue, and how lost he is in the betrayal it represents. I wish I could make him understand...

Am I numb or just waking up to a more reasonable view of my marriage? In the past I would be beyond distraught that he was so upset with me. But today it feels like just another confirmation that we are so different. No tears, but sorrow none-the-less. There will be plenty more tears in the coming weeks, but not so far today....

Adjustments

I wonder how long it will take to adjust to these major changes? It's been 32+ years building these habits. God knows how long it will take to break them.

For example yesterday at lunch when I stopped by the house he was sitting at his computer. We noted a few items of business and I took my leave. It is such habit, especially when emotions are running so high, to tell him I love him on my way out the door. It's what I honestly felt, along with deep regret that there does not appear to be anything more I can say right now. But I caught myself just in time. It took all my strength just to turn and walk out the door.

Is it weird that I still feel such love for him? He's done so much right, tries so hard. It's just those trace bitter roots buried in his heart that continue to haunt me. Are those things I just have to deal with? So he's not perfect - neither am I.

I guess its all water under the bridge now. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for separating. And I really don't regret it - I just wonder sometimes how I will view these events after the dust settles. At some point I want to understand what broke and what parts I own or I'll just repeat the pattern. It's not all him nor is it all me....

I'm coming to recognize there is a difference between the grieving for what could/should have been in a healthy marriage; that hope that I've held onto for decades that someday we'd get it right, that he'd love me and I'd find a way to express my love to him in ways that he understood, that we'd finally discover the meaning of intimacy. The grief that comes from realizing we will never get there is different from the grief of walking away from the reality of what we have right now. There is sorrow in both, but it helps to recognize the difference. And I grieve for the love I have for him that I can no longer express.

Such are the adjustments of a 54 year old woman striking out on her own for the first time. I expect it is one of many to come on this grand adventure...

Momentous

It's been a momentous few days. I'm surprised I don't feel more right now. Maybe the numbness is a blessing, my mind's way of slowing leaking out the pain in smaller doses so I can cope. But then again I've cried enough this week to fill a bathtub.

I moved out yesterday. I guess it was symbolic since I'll probably be moving back in in a month after he leaves, but damn it feels good to have my own space. I can leave the toilet seat up when I want, I can cook bacon if the fancy takes me. Any marriage takes compromise and these little on-going gifts of changing one's behavior are normal in any relationship. But I felt oppressed by them for some reason. I guess because my motivation most of the time was fear of his displeasure. The behavior was not a gift given out of love or respect.

My lawyer filed the papers today for a separation. Husband gets served tomorrow. There were several discussions this week about why we shouldn't hire attorney's, why we should just get this over with as quickly and cheaply as possible. As usual, I gave in and told him I'd see if we could use my attorney for a joint petition. Thankfully it's not that easy, especially since I really don't want to take that approach. So I filed for separation, not divorce like husband wants. He can respond how he wants and move for divorce.

Maybe being away will make it easier for me to find the strength to think for myself. I hope so. I'm feeling stronger about my reasons for making this move even if the smaller steps don't seem as clear. If I'm honest with myself, I know in the depth of my soul that it is never acceptable for him to treat me the way he does when he's angry - even if I unintentionally provoke him as he claims.

So, big momentous steps this 32nd anniversary week. It felt good to flip the calendar this morning on a new week. No clear path, no easy choices - but the beginning of peace. One breath at a time in this grand adventure I am on...

Happy Anniversary

Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary. And I'm moving out day after tomorrow.

It's also Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the good things in my marriage, the many good years. That realization hit home last night when he volunteered to get my car repaired next payday, even though I will be gone by then. I am walking away from so much that is good; a beautiful home, security and a husband who tries really hard. He's ok 95% of the time, it's just the other 5% I can't live with anymore.

I fluctuate between thinking I've lost my mind to a quiet excitement. Every once in awhile I feel a little bit of wonder, a sense of the great horizon before me where the possibilities are limitless. But most of the time I am terrified. I am all alone for the first time in my life. Even the brief couple of years between leaving home and getting married, I always had my parents to turn to. God, I miss my dad right now. I could sure use one of his big bear hugs....

So, I am on a grand adventure with a new captain. In prayer this week I felt Jesus gave me a picture. It was a man's leg and the muscles were growing stronger as I watched. It was kinda funny.... What He told me was that He was growing stronger now - that I had stepped out from under the covering of the inadequate into His covering. I was allowing Him to grow stronger on my behalf. Even my husband's desire to help with the car was from His influence. He was meeting my needs and will continue to do so.

Here's to smooth sailing - or at least a strong leg to hold onto when the waves crash over the bow....

Watermelon

I turned 55 today. He gave me a watermelon for my birthday. Given, its a "pure heart" melon, known to be ubber sweet. I guess some would consider it cute and romantic. But after 32 years together, I was hoping he knew me better.

As birthdays go, this one ranks right up there with my 40th - by myself on travel, watching a spectacular lighting storm at the Huston Airport hotel. Dad had just died and I felt so alone.... but then my brother called and it was all better. At least my husband had flowers sent to me at the hotel that year.

In a way I'm glad he didn't do anything super fancy. I'm pretty sure we are on our last legs and I'll be walking away soon. At least this way there is a little less guilt...

Why in the hell do I feel any guilt anyway? He's not a monster, but the last few years have taken their toll. He's been so angry so often, so free with his condemnation of all I hold dear. And since I won't go with him into his new religion, he is very free with his assessment of what he views as my sin, my wickedness or (in his softer moments), my deception and rebellion. I disgust him, I am cursed, I am deliberately trying to drive him out of his own home, I refuse sex (a big sin in his book), I won't submit to his God-given authority to lead his family.... those are a few I remember off the top of my head. And yet, I'm the one who feel guilty.

Getting angry again won't solve anything. I'm so tired of fighting back. It only brings out his dominance, the stiff rod of his right-ness, his sword of hurt. There is nothing left in me to fight with. The hurt is even numbing these days. It still hurts, but not as much. I get surprised sometimes - a watermelon for my 55th birthday for example.

So, I'll watch tv alone tonight while he works and the girls are at their own place. I bought myself some chocolate cake and peppermint ice cream. Mom took me to lunch. My church family gave me a card with notes from a dozen friends. Melody gave me coupons for a dozen chores. And I have very sweet watermelon to eat.

When all is stripped away, I am held in the arms of the Papa who gives me breath, who planned my birth and celebrates each day that I exist. I am not alone, I am not disgusting, I am not a failure even if my marriage is. Happy Birthday to me....