Momentous

It's been a momentous few days. I'm surprised I don't feel more right now. Maybe the numbness is a blessing, my mind's way of slowing leaking out the pain in smaller doses so I can cope. But then again I've cried enough this week to fill a bathtub.

I moved out yesterday. I guess it was symbolic since I'll probably be moving back in in a month after he leaves, but damn it feels good to have my own space. I can leave the toilet seat up when I want, I can cook bacon if the fancy takes me. Any marriage takes compromise and these little on-going gifts of changing one's behavior are normal in any relationship. But I felt oppressed by them for some reason. I guess because my motivation most of the time was fear of his displeasure. The behavior was not a gift given out of love or respect.

My lawyer filed the papers today for a separation. Husband gets served tomorrow. There were several discussions this week about why we shouldn't hire attorney's, why we should just get this over with as quickly and cheaply as possible. As usual, I gave in and told him I'd see if we could use my attorney for a joint petition. Thankfully it's not that easy, especially since I really don't want to take that approach. So I filed for separation, not divorce like husband wants. He can respond how he wants and move for divorce.

Maybe being away will make it easier for me to find the strength to think for myself. I hope so. I'm feeling stronger about my reasons for making this move even if the smaller steps don't seem as clear. If I'm honest with myself, I know in the depth of my soul that it is never acceptable for him to treat me the way he does when he's angry - even if I unintentionally provoke him as he claims.

So, big momentous steps this 32nd anniversary week. It felt good to flip the calendar this morning on a new week. No clear path, no easy choices - but the beginning of peace. One breath at a time in this grand adventure I am on...