No Tears

I just realized I've made through most of the day without crying - despite my husband announcing at lunch he's counter-suing for divorce. We tried to talk some more, but it's like we are speaking different languages.

He complains that I lie to him. I have to admit I'm not very honest with him, but it's because I'm afraid of his response. It's hard to even think clearly, much less process my feelings and articulate them clearly to him. It's not because I deliberately try to deceive him. I guess it amounts to the same thing.

The big issue today was when I asked my pastor for "spiritual covering" when I decided to stop attending my husband's church in April. Poor choice of words, and then I left the text message on my computer for husband to read. It would be more accurate to say I wanted confirmation of my decision from someone with spiritual authority in my life - someone other than my husband since he was the one I was opposing with my action.

I denied that I was seeking spiritual covering later - not only a lie in my husband's book but spiritual adultery since I was asking for covering that is supposed to come only from him. I've committed adultery now on top of being a liar.

I can't bring myself to feel guilty. I think I made the right decision to stop attending his church. And it was a good decision to ask for wise counsel, especially from my pastor on issues like this one regarding spiritual issues. Part of me is amazed at how my husband views the issue, and how lost he is in the betrayal it represents. I wish I could make him understand...

Am I numb or just waking up to a more reasonable view of my marriage? In the past I would be beyond distraught that he was so upset with me. But today it feels like just another confirmation that we are so different. No tears, but sorrow none-the-less. There will be plenty more tears in the coming weeks, but not so far today....