- He said he wants to be married to me for the first time. He's always said I pressured him into it before today.
- He asked me to forgive him. A couple of months ago he acknowledged he may have hurt me in the past, then got upset that I agreed with him. There were no strings attached today. We agreed we would have to work through the specifics, but his heart seems repentant.
- He recognizes that he has held many early hurts against me - and the impact that bitterness has had on our relationship. He is working to let those go, forgive me as he is asking me to forgive for his actions.
- He said I'm beautiful. He has never said anything like that before. I recall once he said I was pretty when I pressured him, but this was out of the blue. Wow...
- He has taken divorce off the table. Despite the opposite advice from all his friends and pastors, divorce is not an option. He started out rushing to divorce when I first moved out, then drew back a little last week to give me some time - but he "wasn't inclined to put it off very long." He promised today he would not be the one to make that move.
- He acknowledged that he has focused on the differences in our faith, with lots of pressure (he jokingly called it enthusiasm) to convince me why I needed to believe like him. He's realized we have more in common than not and he wants to focus on the commonalities. For a couple of years, he's been saying that we are on different trajectories on this most important part of our lives; that he sees no hope for staying together given those different paths. Today he said it will be complicated, but he is sure we can find a way to make this work.
- He has released me to make my own decision about our future with no pressure. He wants us to be together, but can't force me to agree with him. Despite our great progress today, I am not ready to move back home or drop the legal separation. He's ok with that, no pressure, no time tables.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A New Day
It will take time for trust to build (in ways it never really has before), but I think we began our journey of healing today. I am so quick to recall and document the things he does wrong, it's important that I document the things he did right today. I readily acknowledge there are many deep ways I need to change as well, many things I have done that are just as "bad" as his actions, but I have hope tonight for the first time...
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Dark Days
I know these are the dark days - that things will get better eventually. But this emotional roller coaster is so damn hard. I don't know what's coming next, what will hit when or how to prepare for it. Absolutely everything is being stripped away and I can't stop it.
Today's hard curve on that roller coaster slammed my head against the wall - Melody will likely have to drop out of the only school she has ever known. Because I moved out, we have to maintain two households. We were riding on the edge financially already, this move puts us into bankruptcy. According to our attorney, no trustee will allow us to continue to pay her tuition.
After the year from hell she just experienced, I can't believe she has to go through this! How can a loving God allow that? If He knew this was coming, why didn't He warn me? Or will He work a miracle somehow and let her stay there?
He didn't say anything, but I bet my husband was thinking something along the lines of "it's all your fault". And I know that's how Grace and Melody will view it. How I wish I could go back and undo the last month right now! Grace is already mad at me. She and Melody are moving closer and closer to hubby, especially since they feel sorry for him and he has more money to pay for the things I used to provide.
Talk about a co-dependant's nightmare... no dependants left to rely on me any more. And on top of it, I'm the one who rocked our little wobbly boat, so I get the blame for everything. Even worse, I find myself heaping the blame on myself.
I know in my head I made the right decision (maybe not the best timing - but it was the best of two crappy choices I had before me). I know these are the dark days that will not last. I can't undo the past. The best I can do is hold on and make the best choices I can day to day, based on wisdom and health. So I'll do my best to rest in God and hope the darkness lightens just a little bit soon.
____________________
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel[a] of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.
8 Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
9 Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.
Today's hard curve on that roller coaster slammed my head against the wall - Melody will likely have to drop out of the only school she has ever known. Because I moved out, we have to maintain two households. We were riding on the edge financially already, this move puts us into bankruptcy. According to our attorney, no trustee will allow us to continue to pay her tuition.
After the year from hell she just experienced, I can't believe she has to go through this! How can a loving God allow that? If He knew this was coming, why didn't He warn me? Or will He work a miracle somehow and let her stay there?
He didn't say anything, but I bet my husband was thinking something along the lines of "it's all your fault". And I know that's how Grace and Melody will view it. How I wish I could go back and undo the last month right now! Grace is already mad at me. She and Melody are moving closer and closer to hubby, especially since they feel sorry for him and he has more money to pay for the things I used to provide.
Talk about a co-dependant's nightmare... no dependants left to rely on me any more. And on top of it, I'm the one who rocked our little wobbly boat, so I get the blame for everything. Even worse, I find myself heaping the blame on myself.
I know in my head I made the right decision (maybe not the best timing - but it was the best of two crappy choices I had before me). I know these are the dark days that will not last. I can't undo the past. The best I can do is hold on and make the best choices I can day to day, based on wisdom and health. So I'll do my best to rest in God and hope the darkness lightens just a little bit soon.
____________________
New King James Version (NKJV)
Psalm 34
A Psalm of David when he pretended madness before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he departed.
1 I will bless the LORD at all times;His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel[a] of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.
8 Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
9 Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes, for just brief moments, I want my old life back. As sick as it was, it was familiar. And I didn't feel this pain. I was stressed and panicked and worried and scurrying constantly to keep the balance but I had the family around me. As conditional as our love was, I knew what I had to do to make them love me and I could control that.
Grace said this morning that she is concerned that I am pushing people away in this new freedom I am walking in. That I am making unforgivable mistakes. Like when we "stole" custody of Melody when Grace abandoned treatment for her heroin addiction. She reiterated this morning that she will NEVER forgive me for that. She only went back to heroin at that point because I wouldn't come rescue her. She is doing so well right now. I hope she can hold onto that over time when she doesn't own enough of her part in that hellish time.
In reality, I think Grace is grappling with the big changes going on with the pending divorce. It was all fine and good to talk about it and play with it in her mind, but now that it's here it's harder at the gut level than she expected.
She is so concerned about my husband, feels so very bad for him and the pain he is in. She keeps pointing out all the things she thinks I am doing wrong, how I should try this or that. She doesn't see all those steps that I did try, all those changes I have tried to make. And I still want to try, just from separate residences. I need to be away from the pressure and what feels like oppression to me when I'm around him and all his religious regulations.
So, I stand alone with my decisions right now. I think I've done the right thing overall. There have been plenty of missteps along the way, but the overall direction is right - even if it means I stand alone for now. Even though I sometimes miss the companionship of our very sick family structure, I will survive this. I pray in time they will see the wisdom, but if not I still have to walk this new way regardless...
Grace said this morning that she is concerned that I am pushing people away in this new freedom I am walking in. That I am making unforgivable mistakes. Like when we "stole" custody of Melody when Grace abandoned treatment for her heroin addiction. She reiterated this morning that she will NEVER forgive me for that. She only went back to heroin at that point because I wouldn't come rescue her. She is doing so well right now. I hope she can hold onto that over time when she doesn't own enough of her part in that hellish time.
In reality, I think Grace is grappling with the big changes going on with the pending divorce. It was all fine and good to talk about it and play with it in her mind, but now that it's here it's harder at the gut level than she expected.
She is so concerned about my husband, feels so very bad for him and the pain he is in. She keeps pointing out all the things she thinks I am doing wrong, how I should try this or that. She doesn't see all those steps that I did try, all those changes I have tried to make. And I still want to try, just from separate residences. I need to be away from the pressure and what feels like oppression to me when I'm around him and all his religious regulations.
So, I stand alone with my decisions right now. I think I've done the right thing overall. There have been plenty of missteps along the way, but the overall direction is right - even if it means I stand alone for now. Even though I sometimes miss the companionship of our very sick family structure, I will survive this. I pray in time they will see the wisdom, but if not I still have to walk this new way regardless...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)