Today's hard curve on that roller coaster slammed my head against the wall - Melody will likely have to drop out of the only school she has ever known. Because I moved out, we have to maintain two households. We were riding on the edge financially already, this move puts us into bankruptcy. According to our attorney, no trustee will allow us to continue to pay her tuition.
After the year from hell she just experienced, I can't believe she has to go through this! How can a loving God allow that? If He knew this was coming, why didn't He warn me? Or will He work a miracle somehow and let her stay there?
He didn't say anything, but I bet my husband was thinking something along the lines of "it's all your fault". And I know that's how Grace and Melody will view it. How I wish I could go back and undo the last month right now! Grace is already mad at me. She and Melody are moving closer and closer to hubby, especially since they feel sorry for him and he has more money to pay for the things I used to provide.
Talk about a co-dependant's nightmare... no dependants left to rely on me any more. And on top of it, I'm the one who rocked our little wobbly boat, so I get the blame for everything. Even worse, I find myself heaping the blame on myself.
I know in my head I made the right decision (maybe not the best timing - but it was the best of two crappy choices I had before me). I know these are the dark days that will not last. I can't undo the past. The best I can do is hold on and make the best choices I can day to day, based on wisdom and health. So I'll do my best to rest in God and hope the darkness lightens just a little bit soon.
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New King James Version (NKJV)
Psalm 34
A Psalm of David when he pretended madness before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he departed.
1 I will bless the LORD at all times;His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel[a] of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.
8 Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
9 Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.
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