A New Day

It will take time for trust to build (in ways it never really has before), but I think we began our journey of healing today. I am so quick to recall and document the things he does wrong, it's important that I document the things he did right today. I readily acknowledge there are many deep ways I need to change as well, many things I have done that are just as "bad" as his actions, but I have hope tonight for the first time...

• He said he wants  to be married to me for the first time. He's always said I pressured him into it before today.
• He asked me to forgive him. A couple of months ago he acknowledged he may have hurt me in the past, then got upset that I agreed with him. There were no strings attached today. We agreed we would have to work through the specifics, but his heart seems repentant.
• He recognizes that he has held many early hurts against me - and the impact that bitterness has had on our relationship. He is working to let those go, forgive me as he is asking me to forgive for his actions.
• He said I'm beautiful. He has never said anything like that before. I recall once he said I was pretty when I pressured him, but this was out of the blue. Wow...
• He has taken divorce off the table. Despite the opposite advice from all his friends and pastors, divorce is not an option. He started out rushing to divorce when I first moved out, then drew back a little last week to give me some time - but he "wasn't inclined to put it off very long." He promised today he would not be the one to make that move.
• He acknowledged that he has focused on the differences in our faith, with lots of pressure (he jokingly called it enthusiasm) to convince me why I needed to believe like him. He's realized we have more in common than not and he wants to focus on the commonalities. For a couple of years, he's been saying that we are on different trajectories on this most important part of our lives; that he sees no hope for staying together given those different paths. Today he said it will be complicated, but he is sure we can find a way to make this work.
• He has released me to make my own decision about our future with no pressure. He wants us to be together, but can't force me to agree with him. Despite our great progress today, I am not ready to move back home or drop the legal separation. He's ok with that, no pressure, no time tables.

I am overwhelmed in a whole new way... so much to process. One step at at time, choosing life and health. But finally, hope for a future with this man that I love.