Sometimes

Sometimes, for just brief moments, I want my old life back. As sick as it was, it was familiar. And I didn't feel this pain. I was stressed and panicked and worried and scurrying constantly to keep the balance but I had the family around me. As conditional as our love was, I knew what I had to do to make them love me and I could control that.

Grace said this morning that she is concerned that I am pushing people away in this new freedom I am walking in. That I am making unforgivable mistakes. Like when we "stole" custody of Melody when Grace abandoned treatment for her heroin addiction. She reiterated this morning that she will NEVER forgive me for that. She only went back to heroin at that point because I wouldn't come rescue her. She is doing so well right now. I hope she can hold onto that over time when she doesn't own enough of her part in that hellish time.

In reality, I think Grace is grappling with the big changes going on with the pending divorce. It was all fine and good to talk about it and play with it in her mind, but now that it's here it's harder at the gut level than she expected.

She is so concerned about my husband, feels so very bad for him and the pain he is in. She keeps pointing out all the things she thinks I am doing wrong, how I should try this or that. She doesn't see all those steps that I did try, all those changes I have tried to make. And I still want to try, just from separate residences. I need to be away from the pressure and what feels like oppression to me when I'm around him and all his religious regulations.

So, I stand alone with my decisions right now. I think I've done the right thing overall. There have been plenty of missteps along the way, but the overall direction is right - even if it means I stand alone for now. Even though I sometimes miss the companionship of our very sick family structure, I will survive this. I pray in time they will see the wisdom, but if not I still have to walk this new way regardless...