Just For Today

Just for today, I will breathe and hold on. So weird that I have to say that when things on the surface look so good. It's like the fairly constant compliments on my weight loss: "You look soooo GOOD!". I want to scream back at them: "I still feel soooo BAD!" The size of my butt does nothing to change my heart or my emotions, as much as I wish it did.

I  hope writing out the lessons from the weekend will help me face my husband and share these things with him. I don't have any answers, nor do I think he is the source of my blues. I just think I'm supposed to lay it out there for him, not hide it or pretend it's all ok.

The girls and I went camping this weekend. It was our big event for the year. I was so excited... but it was cloudy and cold most of the time. They wanted to come home early, so we cut the trip short. I'll save the vacation day for a hot day when we can go back up and swim. All logical and good. But I'm disappointed - and more.

This was my first time camping (outside of church group camps) since my single days. It brought back lots of memories of camping with my family, especially my dad. I wish he were here so I could ask him how a parent let's go of their child...

It's so clear that Grace and Melody have built a good, separate life for themselves. There are still things I wish I could change between them, but not much. They love each other and are best friends now. Its wonderful and terrifying to see. They don't need me at all. What a wonderful blessing considering the last couple of years.

But their new life leaves me so empty. I could fill the emptiness up with food - or do-good activities. But I'm so tired of running 100 miles an hour. I've got enough to do already. I realize I just want to savor what time I get with them and let the grieving process. I know it will get better eventually.

I recognized late last night that I am grieving the loss of my family unit. The memories of dad this weekend, talks with Grace, playing with Melody - all things I grieved in my disappointment and sorrow when I got home last night. I also recognized that things are not perfect in our family.

I realized that Grace is still a very sick lady. She didn't realize the plan was to come back late Monday. But she still needed her methadone dose from the clinic Monday morning. She can't leave town for more than 3 days at a time. She is still addicted, just to something else. We lost her keys for several hours Sunday, with her take home methadone dose locked in her car. It was a panic for all of us and hammered home her dependance on the new drug.

In our panic, I called hubby to come rescue us with his tools to break into her car. He was on his way when we found the keys. But it was so nice to not be afraid to call him, to know he would not be angry or express frustration at our stupidity or to have to hear his lectures. He just dropped everything and came.

Grace mentioned that he is much nicer with me now. Most of the time he is. He is not as gentle with her yet. He's better, but still sits in judgement more often than not. Plus she is so sensitive to his criticism, it doesn't take much for her to feel condemned. Even I saw some of that old man when I got home last night.

I arrived home melancholy, sorry to cut the trip short but grateful for the time with the girls. We loved the huge new tent that hubby got for his end-of-the-world preparations. The girls were going set it up in their yard when we got back, but hubby immediately took possession of the tent as soon as we opened the car door. It was unexpected after his gracious response on the key rescue. Watching the girls plan their time enjoying the tent in their space brought me joy, only to be taken away by a very tense man. We so quickly moved into that familiar role, hurry to bring all his things back before unpacking anything else - try to ease his tension before and above all else.

I'd forgotten for a moment that the tent is his; it does not belong to the family. He was not pleased with my disagreement on his decision not to share the tent. It brought home my concern that if we indeed have to head to the woods to live out the tribulation with him, we will be only be very tentative guests reliant on his  approval to use his supplies. Sigh..... but that will probably be the least of our worries if that happens.

The other thing this exchange brought home was our need to let the girls choose their own path. The reason hubby won't let them use the tent is because they would allow their pet rats in the tent. I'm grossed out by their pets, but they are loved and cherished members of the girl's family. This is a chance for us to endorse their new family unit and not let our personal feelings prohibit us from doing something for them that we would allow if we approved of their choices.

I need to share most of this with hubby. He may continue to respond with tension and possession. I hate the thought of living alone for the rest of my life with the man I saw last night. He is so much better most of the time - but the old patterns are so strong at the first sign of tension. I can only share my heart and hope....

Just for today, I choose to breathe and hope for a better, full life with a man I love, but who can so easily hurt me. The girls don't need me anymore. All a 55 year old woman could want.... so I hold on til the grieving is complete.

Sighs...

I know I'll adjust to this eventually. The goal is to build a healthy place that I am adjusting to. Like exercise. I noticed on my walk last night that I hardly broke a sweat. It's been a long time since I took that route and I've done lots of gym time and even some running since I last took that route. It was so much easier this time - I felt guilty, like I wasn't really exercising.

Then I got home and ate like a pig - and finished it off this morning with 4 huge doughnuts. Now not only am I sick to my stomach, my heart aches. How could I have done so well for so long to blow it so bad? I guess it's only a few hours of eating frenzy, but the overall peace is fading from my life and I'm afraid.

The house is so damn empty. I miss the dog. I miss Melody. I miss my husband. I miss fellowship with my friends from church. I miss my support system. Sigh... such a low view of this wonderful life I have.

Hubby is very distracted with some very big issues at work. He's not home much and when he at the house he's often on the phone or somewhere else mentally. It's selfish of me, but I wish he could see me when he's there, know that I'm hurting and struggling.

Yet I am a big part of our growing distance. A part of me is afraid that if we focus too much on each other our religious differences will come up again. I don't want to go there again. I know I disappoint him with my views. I understand his longing for unity in this most important area of our lives. I appreciate that he doesn't try to force this anymore. But I can see his wish for a like-minded, submissive wife. Sigh....

So, for today I sit here, full of sighs and doughnuts. Not the place I want to be, but knowing that eventually I'll adjust to this new normal. I mentioned by concern about our growing distance to hubby, my pastor just called for an impromptu dinner date for the ladies, I see the girls for lunch today - all good steps in this wonderful life I have.

Hope And Fear

This new life is everything I had hoped for - and all I feared. The girls are doing so well. It's all I could have dreamed for. And they are doing it without much from me. It's healthy and good and all it should be. And my marriage is so much better than it ever has been. I'm working, we can pay the bills, the house is beautiful.

And my fears of being unneeded are also being realized. What is someone like me supposed to do if no one needs me? I am fighting the urge to fill the time with more duties and commitments. My life is already so full it makes most people's head spin. But there are an increasing number of moments when I don't have anything pressing on me. That leaves me hanging; too full of my thoughts, feelings, memories. A fearful thing indeed.

I read an interesting column today - The Busy Trap. Author Tim Kreider had some interesting insights... how we use our busyness to puff up our egos, to fill the void of no real life, to run from ourselves. "Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day."

Much of this I already recognize in myself. I've been talking about it for years; dancing around the edges pretending I had all this insight and wisdom. Now it gets real. Now I face an empty house each night. Now I have to deal with the things I do to drive my husband away. Now I have to face my lack of friends, my shallow relationship with God.

I know I'll get there - that I will weather this transition in time. But it's interesting to realize that the very thing I had hoped for forces me to face the fears I'd been hiding from. Hope and fear mingle once again in this messy thing called life...

The Dog Is Dead

We put the dog down last week. It was way overdue -the poor thing suffered for months. Hubby let it be my decision and I waited too long, trying to get buy off from Grace and Melody. In the end, we just had to do it. I was blessed that hubby rearranged his schedule to help when he saw my tears at the thought of taking the poor pup to the vet alone. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, which surprised me.

I was the least affectionate with the dog of anyone in the family. But I still miss her terribly. It's such an adjustment - a huge change in habit. We've had a pet for 25 years, all Grace's pets that we inherited. I always gave Grace what she wanted, then picked up the pieces. When it came to the pets, it was a pain sometimes, but the companionship was nice. Funny, that's what I did with her daughter too. But that's a different story.

So now I face a truly empty house. The dog was the last tie to my old life as mother and caretaker. I'm scared and tired and worried and unsure. I am so grateful that my husband and I have this new (yet familiar and hopeful) relationship to build on now. But I know it won't be easy. I have to change once again.

I don't have to pick up poop in the back yard (or the living room) any more, but there won't be anyone to greet me when I come home either. I'll have a solid green lawn without piddle holes now, but the house is too quiet. I can throw food away in the trash can and it won't get tossed all over the floor as soon as my back is turned, but I'll eat my meals alone.

See, relationships are messy and inconvenient, even with pets. They take time and work. They leave behind poop piles that need to be cleaned up. But they are worth it. Knowing that, I think some of the empty nest fears will be addressed as I continue to focus on building healthy relationships in my life. I am blessed with a wonderful family, loving friends and a great neighborhood. So, here's to yet another transition! I've seen enough now to know it will be hard, but I'll make it. And life will be better on the other side.

Mary & Martha

Luke 10:³⁸ Now while they were on their way, it occurred that Jesus entered a certain village, and a woman named Martha received and welcomed Him into her house. ³⁹ And she had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was listening to His teaching. ⁴⁰ But Martha [overly occupied and too busy] was distracted with much serving; and she came up to Him and said, Lord, is it nothing to You that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me [to lend a hand and do her part along with me]! ⁴¹ But the Lord replied to her by saying, Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; ⁴² There is need of only one or but ^[i]a few things. Mary has chosen the good portion [^[j]that which is to her advantage], which shall not be taken away from her.

I am such a Martha. I LOVE doing good works. I swear I get a high from cleaning house or getting a mission accomplished or doing something I think is nice for someone (doesn't matter if it's what they need, just that I think it's what they need). It feels so damn good to sit back and survey the completed task and know I done good.

I guess it soothes my often troubled soul - that I have to prove my worth somehow. I can glance at the clean window and be reminded I'm worth something. You'd think I'd do a better job at keeping the house clean. I know some of this feeling is natural and good. It's this inner drive, the obsessive need that I recognize is out of balance.

I saw it clearly this last week caring for my mom after hip surgery. I spent the week scurrying around, cleaning up the dark corners and weeding and cooking and getting her house set up. Finally, on the last day I realized mom had spent the whole week laying in bed alone, hurting and lonely. The house looks great but the occupant is miserable.

I've always struggled with a Martha complex. But Jesus said Mary chose the better way when she sat at His feet and just related. I caught myself trying to justify just a little bit of my Martha yesterday. Balance is good right? But I noted in scripture that morning that Jesus choose to appear first to the brokenhearted Mary when He rose from the dead. She cared, she felt her need, her loss. How frightening! But He met her there...

"The Lord replied... Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things." How does He know my heart so well? At least for this season of my life, Mary needs to be my role model. I'm not sure how, but there is truth and freedom and healing in following her footsteps. Think I'll start by sitting at the feet of Jesus and see what He wants to teach me today...

Terrified

I realized last night as I was falling asleep after another HUGE food binge that I'm terrified. And the thing that terrifies me is what drove me to the very action that scares me so much - a vicious circle that spun pretty tight and fast last night.

I'm getting so many compliments on my weight loss. Virtually everyone comments almost every day any more. I'm approaching the 75 pound mark and I announce that with every compliment. Every time the words leave my mouth, the fear grows... What if I put the weight back on? I've never even come close to anything like this before. Everyone sees it. They will all see the weight go back on to. How embarrassing that would be! They would all laugh or pity me. God, I gotta do this! I have to keep up the performance!!! I have to DO this now to save face. 

 What a huge trigger for my performance anxiety. Which triggers eating for distraction and comfort. Which triggers weight gain. It was a big discovery to recognize that fear in me. I am so deeply tied to performance at so many levels. All people must like me at all times or I die trying to make it so.

As I prayed last night just before falling asleep, I saw myself on the edge of big cliff. I was walking right along the edge and was terrified. (It makes my palms sweat just to see that picture again, I hate heights!) But Jesus was there. It wasn't that He was calling me to step off the edge, but He assured me that if I misstep, I won't fall. Like when the Raiders Of The Lost Ark guy had to step onto that invisible bridge to get to the ark, there is solid footing even in midair with my Savior.

I'm not sure what the next step will be. I think there is some pretty big healing needed to address this buried sense of shame that I constantly strive to conquer with performance. Funny, I had a picture last summer of living with my mom and some healing between us while I was there. At the time, I thought that confirmed that I'd be moving in with her when I separated from my husband. I remember being confused when that didn't work out at the time. But I'm spending a week with her starting in a few days after her hip replacement. Hummm.... Interesting....

But for today, I'm back to peace. No one has complimented me yet today - ha! I hope I can remember the goal is health, not weight loss. Its a big milestone to drop 75 pounds, but the bigger victory is the ability to freely choose my food based on what I want, not driven by emotions I'm trying to keep buried...

Changes

I have fleeting thoughts almost daily about my journey that I wish I could record here, but as usual I've filled up my life with busy things that make me feel good. For me, the "feel good" tool is not drugs. It's performance - almost as good as any illegal drug and just about as deadly. I crave approval and that sense of doing "good".

But I think I also avoid writing here because it means I have to think and process things too. I know that is the case today, so I'm going to force a few minutes to put some of these thoughts to words.

I am amazed at how quickly I return to bad habits. My eating is a good example, but it applys to my performance addition, my thoughts, my habits. I ate like a pig last night. It was Mother's Day with my family. I love being with them and it was a glorious day at Mom's with bright sun, laughter and good food. But when I got home, I let myself go and ate every kind of junk food I could find.

I wouldn't let myself process it at the time.I kinda thought in the back of my mind it was because it was hard seeing my mom with her health decline. Or missing dad. But I think it really was the comments about my weight loss. Its hard to hear the compliments, especially from my family.

Some of that discomfort is because of all people, they should know me. I'm still the same person no matter what size my butt is. It's nice to have their approval, but somehow I wish there was a way to know that approval when I'm fat, or not getting something published or any of those things that mom finds so important. Sigh...

I was reminded this morning that this weight loss is about being healthy, not about getting approved or noticed. I still don't like the attention for my body - guess there are some issues there. I've always felt ugly and being fat was a protection from that. If I'm fat, I'm ugly because of the fat, not because of something deeper. I'm stripping away that layer of protection. Humm.... need to pray over that a bit....

I recognized today that these compliments are a chance to give an honest, more complete response about the growth in my life. The smaller butt is a reflection of the change in my heart and mind. I'm not turning to food for comfort as much. But I'm not turning to God as much as I need to when my heart becomes unsettled.

I also know that I'm afraid to share more of my heart when I get these compliments. But I think God is calling me to this - to open myself up a bit and let people know this isn't just a "look good" campaign. It goes hand in hand with letting go of my daughter's drug addiction - and releasing my granddaughter - and standing strong in a faith my husband now declares he hates.

Today's reading was in John 15: ¹⁵ I do not call you servants (slaves) any longer, for the servant does not know what his master is doing (working out). But I have called you My friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from My Father. [I have revealed to you everything that I have learned from Him.] ¹⁶ You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as ^[b]presenting all that I Am], He may give it to you.

This grace outpoured in my life isn't just for me. It's to spill out to those around me. Risky, but if He's called me then His Love will cover me. As I continue to learn to run to Him first, He becomes my protection - my source of comfort and truth and security. It's amazing to me how real His Truth has become to me - that I am loved and complete and lovely... What a good place to focus and rest as my body recovers from this latest food overload.

Uncertain Future

Monday is the big day. I'm dreading it and excited at the same time. Grace has her final hearing with CPS. She gets permanent custody back. I already miss Melody so much - and my big fear is Grace will completely cut us out once she is given free rein. I don't think it's likely, since we still help in ways that would cost her money if we aren't around - and she really does seem to have Melody's best interests at heart. It would hurt Melody to be cut off too and I hope Grace would never do that her.

So I'm trying to savor the time I do have with Melody. She is much more focused on electronic games when she's with us, but I force her off often. And I really want to be consistent in my boundaries with her. It's always been a struggle, but it is even more now that I miss her and want to ensure she loves me. What better way to buy love than give in to a 10 year old? Funny thing is I see it building more contempt than affection - and creating confusion and hard feelings when the rest of the family sticks to their guns with her.

It's very difficult to envision a future without the girls at the center of my world. I remember about a year ago realizing this was the the goal - that they would get healthy and leave hubby and me alone. The thought at the time terrified me.

I seriously thought the only way out if that happened would be suicide since God doesn't allow divorce. He doesn't condone killing either... funny how emotions are not logical. That fear is gone now after the healing in my marriage, but it's still an uncertain future. Hubby is very discouraged about our different faiths. He has withdrawn quite a bit, although he still tries hard "to help me" when I express my fears.

I am very confident that I want to be in this marriage now. I know God has a plan for our union and a reason for us to go through this process. I have no idea how this will work out, especially if we remain distant and so unsure of each other. But at least I'm not afraid of him anymore - at least not in the same way. I know in a deeper way after our separation that I love the man and want to be with him... even if it's just the two of us.

I wish I could see the future - that it was not so uncertain. No one gets that luxury, so I'll do my best to savor each day and the relationships that bless my life. One day at a time without control of the outcome. Pretty different approach for me....

Who Am I?

It's a question I've wrestled with before. The answer was always "I am mom" or "I am wife" or "I am a good worker". I've been what I performed. I am the role I play. Only there is no role left to play. Where does that leave me?

I know these are questions everyone has to deal with - or at least should. It's amazing I've been able to put it off this long. The work we've done thru classes at church has helped tremendously. I think I'd be going crazy right now if I didn't have that foundation. At least I can somewhat calmly examine my feelings right now and try to understand what's going on inside me.

Grace finally has a functioning car. That was our last tie, the last thing she needed me for. It kept me in daily contact with her and Melody - and for longer periods of time. At best I see her 5 minutes every other day now. Melody is around more since I get to babysit, but she has adapted to her mom's life and doesn't look to me for much of anything anymore (except to use my electronics for her games).

And things are weird in my marriage right now. Maybe its just how I'm acting with my current mood. Hubby is distant and quiet these days. It's so much better than the seething anger from before, but it's so different from a few months ago when we first reconciled. I know we couldn't maintain that level of intensity, but I don't want to live like this forever either. I've had some missteps and offended him with my reaction to some of his opinions. I've apologized, but we are still so many worlds apart...

By far the deepest issue is not having anyone around who needs me anymore. I thought I was in a better place than this, but my emotional reaction is so strong. I'm bluesy all the time. It doesn't help that my job is boring and so empty - or that I keep getting passed over for those dream jobs I'm foolish enough to apply for.

There is absolutely nothing in my life right now that brings me pleasure. I can't eat my way out of it. I can't work or perform my way out of it. I can only hold on and wait for the emotions to pass. I soooooo want to DO something to earn value and prove my worth!

I was reminded today that I have accomplished good things in my life. And I know the correct answer - that I have value far beyond what I earn with my performance. But in this season, it's getting worked out at a much deeper level.

All is stripped away... I am more than my roles or my performance. What a hellish journey. I hope the rebuilding can begin soon - that the spring brings new growth in my spirit and soul. This has been a long, harsh winter...

Letting Go

I had a moment today when I had to let go again. Melody spent the morning with me, more sick and feverish than she's been in years. Yesterday when this was coming on, Grace managed to get off work and took her home to nurse her. Today I got a short turn, but Grace soon arrived to whisk her away again.

It felt so good to be helping, to fuss and scurry and make Melody comfortable. I was earning my place in her heart today. Then Grace came along and took it all away. See, Melody loves Grace more than me. And Grace loves Melody way more than me. That's supposed to make me feel good rather than guilty. I know in my head its a good thing, but my sick emotions want them to love me just as much as they do each other.

It's still so hard to function without earning love from those important to me. My response when I do something wrong with hubby is much more pronounced now. He calls it "going into my tunnel". I shut down. I don't go as quickly into the frantic pleasing mode - instead I withdraw. I can't say its much better, but at least hubby wants to work on it together.

So today I let go - of my need to be the mom, of my need to earn love and approval from my daughter and granddaughter, of my desire to be the center of my family's universe. Just for today, in this moment, I will let Grace and Melody discover the joy of being their own family, separate from me. I will let my feelings be mine to deal with...

Pimples

I know its a gross analogy, but it's the closest picture I can find to what this process is like. God is dealing with me on my source of security and it feels like there are more and more little bubbles of gunk that have to work their way to the surface before the healing is complete.

Today I realized that one of the big reasons I long for a new, fulfilling job has to do with my performance-driven insecurity. I want to do something meaningful not because it makes the world better - I want to do it because it makes me feel better. I need to be productive, contribute something to the world, perform something that gets me loved.

Some of that's normal, but its the need that is getting worked out of my soul. If God calls me to wash dishes or scrub toilets for a living, then I want that to be ok. I think I'm getting closer. I surrendered more of that to Him today. I'll stay right here as long as it takes to work that need out of my system. And Jesus knows better than I do how long is needed for the spiritual change to be complete.

On a related front, I had to deal with some mounting medical bills today. I was able to call my husband and talk it over with him. What a joy it is to be able to open up to him and work out some of this just by letting him listen to me. When I remember this miracle in our marriage, it makes this current struggle seem pretty insignificant.

I realized that I don't like owing money. Credit cards are ok, it's by agreement and you pay for the privileged. It's the past due medical bills that upset me. My response is to commit to never letting myself get talked into another ambulance ride or overnight hospital stay for minor symptoms. My husband wouldn't let me get far down that path.... this was a necessary expense and we'll find a way to pay it.

The bottom line is that I don't like feeling out of control. I don't have any way of paying these bills in the natural. No, that's wrong - I just don't want to make the on-going sacrifices needed to pay them. But I sure can't pay them on time.

It's more than just a blow to my pride or ego. It's a sign that I'm not good enough. It means I'm not in control of my finances.  It shows I can't be trusted, that I'm not true to my word. It's embarrassing. I can't perform my way out of this one.

That bothers me, but it doesn't overwhelm me. God could do something big and wipe out the debt. Maybe He will. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging along doing what I can. He knows that needs to get worked out in my soul. In time, this ugly pimple with bust open and the healing can begin. Yucky picture, but reality in my world...

The Journey Continues

I still have so much to work through. I sense this journey will last the rest of my life. There is no specific destination, so "arrival" where I am completely at rest forever. I guess that's what heaven will be. There is too much struggle here in this fallen world, too much to relearn in this glorious walk with my Savior. But when I recall where I was when I struck out on this new path in 2005, I am amazed with how far we have come - my Jesus and me...

As I walk out this miracle healing in my marriage, I reluctantly have to acknowledge how much junk is mine, not my husbands. For instance, today...

I've been praying recently for a release in our fiances. As God's kids, He will provide, right? If He chose He could give us a palace and servants. I've been able to give up so much worry and acknowledge (at least on the surface, by a choice  of my will) that God knows what is best for me. There is a reason He has not wiped out our debt or removed the impacts of our sinful spending over the last 40 years.

My pastor had an interesting perspective in the sermon Sunday. When we sow to our own ways, we reap the gunk. But when we sow to God's way, we reap His blessings. But its not an instant change. It can take a lot longer of sowing God's way to start reaping the blessings and overcome the gunk. There's something about the relationship when we do it God's way pastor said.

How true - the trust it takes to keep walking in health when everything screams for the old pacifiers - the layers that get stripped away as one day bleeds into the next and I stand strong - the discipline and stamina that gets ground deep into my spirit. A quick fix would never bring that deep change in my relationship with God.

The struggle with money is tied to so many other issues for me. I long for a fulfilling job, to be able to spend my time doing something meaningful. I want to get paid more and provide for myself. I want to get out from under the exorbitant house payments. I want to pay off the thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars of debt and start over with the wisdom and maturity we have now.

I planned and plotted and maneuvered and manipulated like crazy the last couple of years. I've gotten better about spending (not all the way there - but better). And through it all, I've come to a deeper knowledge of God's love in the midst of the struggle. I know there are reasons why it's taken so long - that there are things buried deep that He wants to get to that cannot be reached except by this battle.

Today, I presented another list to my husband of things I wanted us to do to solve our financial struggles. He graciously agreed to most of it, but it was clear he was not stressed. I had trouble even putting words to the anxiousness, the need for answers that drives me on this issue. As my husband listened to my struggle, he surprised me when he said for now he is supposed to be with me as I work this out. But he is not worried about the future.... he thinks we just keep making the best choices day to day... what a change in him...

As I was praying later, I realized this issue is connected to my eating. I overeat because there might not be enough later. I need to see how the future is secure before I can relax. This anxious tension drives so much of my thought-life and my eating. It seems like every waking moment is filled with worry about what to eat next, how to pay that bill or what else I want that we can't afford.

I'm not sure yet how its connected, but in prayer today I saw myself as a little girl. I was in my safe, beautiful place under the lilacs at my childhood home. I was sitting with my knees drawn up and head buried in my arms crying or in pain (as I so often see myself). Jesus was in the same position right next to me facing the opposite way. He reached out and put His arm around me, pulling me close.

As He did, I could hear my mom's words echoing in my heart, "no one will ever love you - you are not good enough - what a waste". I don't remember her ever saying those words, but its what I've always believed about myself.

Jesus began to whisper in my ear, "I love you - you are special and unique and beautiful." I asked if I could look in His eyes as He spoke - something that is hard for me to picture for some reason. I felt Him lift my chin and as I looked Him in the eye He said, "I planned you from the beginning of time. You fulfill a unique purpose. Your existence is needed for my plans. Without doing anything, just by existing, you fulfill a special and unique purpose."

I'm not sure what the connection is to this deep anxiousness in my soul, but there was a rest and peace that came with His words. So much of my energy is spent trying to prove my value. Somehow its connected to this need to have my future secured; to know where the next dollar and meal is coming from. Since my future is dependent on my performance, on the value of that performance, I want to know it was good enough to be fed and paid.

Oh, well - it doesn't make sense right now.... I guess these deep issues take time. I want a quick fix and lots of cash right now. Sigh... It will come when I am ready...

Fruitful Fasting

My pastor asked for stories about how fasting has impacted our lives. Our church is in the middle of 21 days of prayer and fasting - asking for direction and clear understanding of God's love and will for our lives and our families. Here is what I shared....

Fasting is harder than I ever imagined, but more fruitful than I dreamed. Fasting seems to bring light to the dark places, clarity to the confusion. It's like withdrawing this most life-giving ritual from our bodies’ gives sustenance and sight to our spirit.

I started fasting one meal a week about three years ago. I just realized that connection to these last two most challenging, hell-filled years of my life. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

My daughter’s heroin addiction started about the same time I began fasting. After about a year, the obvious finally hit us in the face. We had to send her to the streets and take custody of our granddaughter. Those first three months of CPS supervised visits were hell. To watch my precious child waste away, see the gaping infections in her arms, hear her talk of killing herself, weep with my young granddaughter for the loss of her mom…. It was literally hell.

But she has battled her way back. She’s clean over a year now. She has custody back. The girls have their own place, full of pets and laughter. As hard as the journey was, it was what was needed for healing.

At the same time as this battle raged, my marriage was disintegrating. We’d always had trouble, but stuck it out ‘cause that’s what good Christians do. Sick, but true. The cracks in our marriage – those destructive ways we related to each other – reached a crisis after my husband converted to a new faith. The pressure over this most precious part of my life (specifically the way it felt like he tried to force me to follow this new faith) was more than I could bear.

I thought I was supposed to move out, but had no money for housing or an attorney (a necessity for reasons I won’t cover). So I fasted for three Saturdays, breakfast and lunch but served and ate the evening meal with my family (loosely modeled after Ester’s journey). My prayer was for intervention or some word from God if I was not to take this drastic step.

There was no sense to change direction, and the money and housing I needed miraculously appeared. So I moved out. It was so much more painful than I thought it would be – and I’d known pain these last two years. In prayer after an especially painful meeting with my husband after leaving, I felt Jesus hold me close. I sobbed out my hurts, how I’d tried for 32 years to make my husband love me. I’d tried every approach I could think of and nothing had worked. I felt Jesus hug me tight and say; “I know, I know – let me try now.” I surrendered in a new way and let go.

Four days later, He touched my husband’s heart and our healing began. I’m back home and we have NEVER experienced anything close to this before.  We are in the midst of a great miracle. As incredibly painful as this was, it was a necessary step for me.

Much like fasting has become a necessary step. I hate not eating. This corporate, long fast we are on has shown me how addicted to food I am, despite losing 65 pounds this year. God is scrubbing that food obsession away along with revealing more of my heart to me. I can’t wait to see what the next miracle He has in store for my family. To God be the Glory!!!

Unspeakable

How do I speak of this miracle of God? How do I put words around this gift He has given me? It is impossible to describe the enormity of this new life, to give light to the nuances and many layers of healing that are underway.

I never dreamed my relationship with my husband could be anything close to this. I know this is the honeymoon period and the routines of life will soon set in. That will be the true challenge. But to experience a honeymoon such as this is a miracle in and of itself. In 32 years, we've never been able to say these important things to each other; to give voice to our commitment and love for each other.

I am a loved woman for the first time. Sounds silly, but its true. I was at a church event a few days after hubby had his change of heart. I was sitting alone as usual. But as I sat there, it dawned on me that a weight had lifted, that nagging doubt - that I am unlovable because my husband did not love me - was gone. I remembered the proverb that says it is better to live in a corner of a roof than with an unloved woman and understood what it meant in a new way.

I'm back home. There were a few days last week when I got lost in the fears. What if we can't sustain this? What if I do something to upset him again? What if he withdraws his love from me? I know all the correct answers in my head, but there are times when emotions drive me more than the "correct answer". As I shared my fears with him, he somehow knew when to listen, when to comfort, when to kiss away the fear.

I still have this nervous energy to deal with. It's buried deep in the background, but I think I'm still waiting for the next explosion, for the next complaint or bitter word. There is no hint any of that is left in him, but it's good that we are continuing to see my counselor. I know I have things to deal with. As usual, my issues are closer to the surface. But he is committed to learning how to care for this miracle too.

I've called this our miracle. We have the opportunity to walk in a new life, a great miracle birthed out of ashes and death. When I mentioned this picture to my husband a few days into our reconciliation, a sweet smile came over his face. His recent conversion to Messianic Judaism (a Jew who believes Jesus is Messiah) was the basis for many of our deepest battles.

But it was a source of joy this time. I'd spoken of our great miracle on the first day of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of their "great miracle". God miraculously provided oil for the menorah lights for 8 days when the temple was reclaimed. Just as He is providing light now to the darkness of our marriage. An unspeakably great miracle.