Fruitful Fasting

My pastor asked for stories about how fasting has impacted our lives. Our church is in the middle of 21 days of prayer and fasting - asking for direction and clear understanding of God's love and will for our lives and our families. Here is what I shared....

Fasting is harder than I ever imagined, but more fruitful than I dreamed. Fasting seems to bring light to the dark places, clarity to the confusion. It's like withdrawing this most life-giving ritual from our bodies’ gives sustenance and sight to our spirit.

I started fasting one meal a week about three years ago. I just realized that connection to these last two most challenging, hell-filled years of my life. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

My daughter’s heroin addiction started about the same time I began fasting. After about a year, the obvious finally hit us in the face. We had to send her to the streets and take custody of our granddaughter. Those first three months of CPS supervised visits were hell. To watch my precious child waste away, see the gaping infections in her arms, hear her talk of killing herself, weep with my young granddaughter for the loss of her mom…. It was literally hell.

But she has battled her way back. She’s clean over a year now. She has custody back. The girls have their own place, full of pets and laughter. As hard as the journey was, it was what was needed for healing.

At the same time as this battle raged, my marriage was disintegrating. We’d always had trouble, but stuck it out ‘cause that’s what good Christians do. Sick, but true. The cracks in our marriage – those destructive ways we related to each other – reached a crisis after my husband converted to a new faith. The pressure over this most precious part of my life (specifically the way it felt like he tried to force me to follow this new faith) was more than I could bear.

I thought I was supposed to move out, but had no money for housing or an attorney (a necessity for reasons I won’t cover). So I fasted for three Saturdays, breakfast and lunch but served and ate the evening meal with my family (loosely modeled after Ester’s journey). My prayer was for intervention or some word from God if I was not to take this drastic step.

There was no sense to change direction, and the money and housing I needed miraculously appeared. So I moved out. It was so much more painful than I thought it would be – and I’d known pain these last two years. In prayer after an especially painful meeting with my husband after leaving, I felt Jesus hold me close. I sobbed out my hurts, how I’d tried for 32 years to make my husband love me. I’d tried every approach I could think of and nothing had worked. I felt Jesus hug me tight and say; “I know, I know – let me try now.” I surrendered in a new way and let go.

Four days later, He touched my husband’s heart and our healing began. I’m back home and we have NEVER experienced anything close to this before.  We are in the midst of a great miracle. As incredibly painful as this was, it was a necessary step for me.

Much like fasting has become a necessary step. I hate not eating. This corporate, long fast we are on has shown me how addicted to food I am, despite losing 65 pounds this year. God is scrubbing that food obsession away along with revealing more of my heart to me. I can’t wait to see what the next miracle He has in store for my family. To God be the Glory!!!

Unspeakable

How do I speak of this miracle of God? How do I put words around this gift He has given me? It is impossible to describe the enormity of this new life, to give light to the nuances and many layers of healing that are underway.

I never dreamed my relationship with my husband could be anything close to this. I know this is the honeymoon period and the routines of life will soon set in. That will be the true challenge. But to experience a honeymoon such as this is a miracle in and of itself. In 32 years, we've never been able to say these important things to each other; to give voice to our commitment and love for each other.

I am a loved woman for the first time. Sounds silly, but its true. I was at a church event a few days after hubby had his change of heart. I was sitting alone as usual. But as I sat there, it dawned on me that a weight had lifted, that nagging doubt - that I am unlovable because my husband did not love me - was gone. I remembered the proverb that says it is better to live in a corner of a roof than with an unloved woman and understood what it meant in a new way.

I'm back home. There were a few days last week when I got lost in the fears. What if we can't sustain this? What if I do something to upset him again? What if he withdraws his love from me? I know all the correct answers in my head, but there are times when emotions drive me more than the "correct answer". As I shared my fears with him, he somehow knew when to listen, when to comfort, when to kiss away the fear.

I still have this nervous energy to deal with. It's buried deep in the background, but I think I'm still waiting for the next explosion, for the next complaint or bitter word. There is no hint any of that is left in him, but it's good that we are continuing to see my counselor. I know I have things to deal with. As usual, my issues are closer to the surface. But he is committed to learning how to care for this miracle too.

I've called this our miracle. We have the opportunity to walk in a new life, a great miracle birthed out of ashes and death. When I mentioned this picture to my husband a few days into our reconciliation, a sweet smile came over his face. His recent conversion to Messianic Judaism (a Jew who believes Jesus is Messiah) was the basis for many of our deepest battles.

But it was a source of joy this time. I'd spoken of our great miracle on the first day of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of their "great miracle". God miraculously provided oil for the menorah lights for 8 days when the temple was reclaimed. Just as He is providing light now to the darkness of our marriage. An unspeakably great miracle.