Unspeakable

How do I speak of this miracle of God? How do I put words around this gift He has given me? It is impossible to describe the enormity of this new life, to give light to the nuances and many layers of healing that are underway.

I never dreamed my relationship with my husband could be anything close to this. I know this is the honeymoon period and the routines of life will soon set in. That will be the true challenge. But to experience a honeymoon such as this is a miracle in and of itself. In 32 years, we've never been able to say these important things to each other; to give voice to our commitment and love for each other.

I am a loved woman for the first time. Sounds silly, but its true. I was at a church event a few days after hubby had his change of heart. I was sitting alone as usual. But as I sat there, it dawned on me that a weight had lifted, that nagging doubt - that I am unlovable because my husband did not love me - was gone. I remembered the proverb that says it is better to live in a corner of a roof than with an unloved woman and understood what it meant in a new way.

I'm back home. There were a few days last week when I got lost in the fears. What if we can't sustain this? What if I do something to upset him again? What if he withdraws his love from me? I know all the correct answers in my head, but there are times when emotions drive me more than the "correct answer". As I shared my fears with him, he somehow knew when to listen, when to comfort, when to kiss away the fear.

I still have this nervous energy to deal with. It's buried deep in the background, but I think I'm still waiting for the next explosion, for the next complaint or bitter word. There is no hint any of that is left in him, but it's good that we are continuing to see my counselor. I know I have things to deal with. As usual, my issues are closer to the surface. But he is committed to learning how to care for this miracle too.

I've called this our miracle. We have the opportunity to walk in a new life, a great miracle birthed out of ashes and death. When I mentioned this picture to my husband a few days into our reconciliation, a sweet smile came over his face. His recent conversion to Messianic Judaism (a Jew who believes Jesus is Messiah) was the basis for many of our deepest battles.

But it was a source of joy this time. I'd spoken of our great miracle on the first day of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of their "great miracle". God miraculously provided oil for the menorah lights for 8 days when the temple was reclaimed. Just as He is providing light now to the darkness of our marriage. An unspeakably great miracle.