I know its a gross analogy, but it's the closest picture I can find to what this process is like. God is dealing with me on my source of security and it feels like there are more and more little bubbles of gunk that have to work their way to the surface before the healing is complete.
Today I realized that one of the big reasons I long for a new, fulfilling job has to do with my performance-driven insecurity. I want to do something meaningful not because it makes the world better - I want to do it because it makes me feel better. I need to be productive, contribute something to the world, perform something that gets me loved.
Some of that's normal, but its the need that is getting worked out of my soul. If God calls me to wash dishes or scrub toilets for a living, then I want that to be ok. I think I'm getting closer. I surrendered more of that to Him today. I'll stay right here as long as it takes to work that need out of my system. And Jesus knows better than I do how long is needed for the spiritual change to be complete.
On a related front, I had to deal with some mounting medical bills today. I was able to call my husband and talk it over with him. What a joy it is to be able to open up to him and work out some of this just by letting him listen to me. When I remember this miracle in our marriage, it makes this current struggle seem pretty insignificant.
I realized that I don't like owing money. Credit cards are ok, it's by agreement and you pay for the privileged. It's the past due medical bills that upset me. My response is to commit to never letting myself get talked into another ambulance ride or overnight hospital stay for minor symptoms. My husband wouldn't let me get far down that path.... this was a necessary expense and we'll find a way to pay it.
The bottom line is that I don't like feeling out of control. I don't have any way of paying these bills in the natural. No, that's wrong - I just don't want to make the on-going sacrifices needed to pay them. But I sure can't pay them on time.
It's more than just a blow to my pride or ego. It's a sign that I'm not good enough. It means I'm not in control of my finances. It shows I can't be trusted, that I'm not true to my word. It's embarrassing. I can't perform my way out of this one.
That bothers me, but it doesn't overwhelm me. God could do something big and wipe out the debt. Maybe He will. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging along doing what I can. He knows that needs to get worked out in my soul. In time, this ugly pimple with bust open and the healing can begin. Yucky picture, but reality in my world...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Journey Continues
I still have so much to work through. I sense this journey will last the rest of my life. There is no specific destination, so "arrival" where I am completely at rest forever. I guess that's what heaven will be. There is too much struggle here in this fallen world, too much to relearn in this glorious walk with my Savior. But when I recall where I was when I struck out on this new path in 2005, I am amazed with how far we have come - my Jesus and me...
As I walk out this miracle healing in my marriage, I reluctantly have to acknowledge how much junk is mine, not my husbands. For instance, today...
I've been praying recently for a release in our fiances. As God's kids, He will provide, right? If He chose He could give us a palace and servants. I've been able to give up so much worry and acknowledge (at least on the surface, by a choice of my will) that God knows what is best for me. There is a reason He has not wiped out our debt or removed the impacts of our sinful spending over the last 40 years.
My pastor had an interesting perspective in the sermon Sunday. When we sow to our own ways, we reap the gunk. But when we sow to God's way, we reap His blessings. But its not an instant change. It can take a lot longer of sowing God's way to start reaping the blessings and overcome the gunk. There's something about the relationship when we do it God's way pastor said.
How true - the trust it takes to keep walking in health when everything screams for the old pacifiers - the layers that get stripped away as one day bleeds into the next and I stand strong - the discipline and stamina that gets ground deep into my spirit. A quick fix would never bring that deep change in my relationship with God.
The struggle with money is tied to so many other issues for me. I long for a fulfilling job, to be able to spend my time doing something meaningful. I want to get paid more and provide for myself. I want to get out from under the exorbitant house payments. I want to pay off the thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars of debt and start over with the wisdom and maturity we have now.
I planned and plotted and maneuvered and manipulated like crazy the last couple of years. I've gotten better about spending (not all the way there - but better). And through it all, I've come to a deeper knowledge of God's love in the midst of the struggle. I know there are reasons why it's taken so long - that there are things buried deep that He wants to get to that cannot be reached except by this battle.
Today, I presented another list to my husband of things I wanted us to do to solve our financial struggles. He graciously agreed to most of it, but it was clear he was not stressed. I had trouble even putting words to the anxiousness, the need for answers that drives me on this issue. As my husband listened to my struggle, he surprised me when he said for now he is supposed to be with me as I work this out. But he is not worried about the future.... he thinks we just keep making the best choices day to day... what a change in him...
As I was praying later, I realized this issue is connected to my eating. I overeat because there might not be enough later. I need to see how the future is secure before I can relax. This anxious tension drives so much of my thought-life and my eating. It seems like every waking moment is filled with worry about what to eat next, how to pay that bill or what else I want that we can't afford.
I'm not sure yet how its connected, but in prayer today I saw myself as a little girl. I was in my safe, beautiful place under the lilacs at my childhood home. I was sitting with my knees drawn up and head buried in my arms crying or in pain (as I so often see myself). Jesus was in the same position right next to me facing the opposite way. He reached out and put His arm around me, pulling me close.
As He did, I could hear my mom's words echoing in my heart, "no one will ever love you - you are not good enough - what a waste". I don't remember her ever saying those words, but its what I've always believed about myself.
Jesus began to whisper in my ear, "I love you - you are special and unique and beautiful." I asked if I could look in His eyes as He spoke - something that is hard for me to picture for some reason. I felt Him lift my chin and as I looked Him in the eye He said, "I planned you from the beginning of time. You fulfill a unique purpose. Your existence is needed for my plans. Without doing anything, just by existing, you fulfill a special and unique purpose."
I'm not sure what the connection is to this deep anxiousness in my soul, but there was a rest and peace that came with His words. So much of my energy is spent trying to prove my value. Somehow its connected to this need to have my future secured; to know where the next dollar and meal is coming from. Since my future is dependent on my performance, on the value of that performance, I want to know it was good enough to be fed and paid.
Oh, well - it doesn't make sense right now.... I guess these deep issues take time. I want a quick fix and lots of cash right now. Sigh... It will come when I am ready...
As I walk out this miracle healing in my marriage, I reluctantly have to acknowledge how much junk is mine, not my husbands. For instance, today...
I've been praying recently for a release in our fiances. As God's kids, He will provide, right? If He chose He could give us a palace and servants. I've been able to give up so much worry and acknowledge (at least on the surface, by a choice of my will) that God knows what is best for me. There is a reason He has not wiped out our debt or removed the impacts of our sinful spending over the last 40 years.
My pastor had an interesting perspective in the sermon Sunday. When we sow to our own ways, we reap the gunk. But when we sow to God's way, we reap His blessings. But its not an instant change. It can take a lot longer of sowing God's way to start reaping the blessings and overcome the gunk. There's something about the relationship when we do it God's way pastor said.
How true - the trust it takes to keep walking in health when everything screams for the old pacifiers - the layers that get stripped away as one day bleeds into the next and I stand strong - the discipline and stamina that gets ground deep into my spirit. A quick fix would never bring that deep change in my relationship with God.
The struggle with money is tied to so many other issues for me. I long for a fulfilling job, to be able to spend my time doing something meaningful. I want to get paid more and provide for myself. I want to get out from under the exorbitant house payments. I want to pay off the thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars of debt and start over with the wisdom and maturity we have now.
I planned and plotted and maneuvered and manipulated like crazy the last couple of years. I've gotten better about spending (not all the way there - but better). And through it all, I've come to a deeper knowledge of God's love in the midst of the struggle. I know there are reasons why it's taken so long - that there are things buried deep that He wants to get to that cannot be reached except by this battle.
Today, I presented another list to my husband of things I wanted us to do to solve our financial struggles. He graciously agreed to most of it, but it was clear he was not stressed. I had trouble even putting words to the anxiousness, the need for answers that drives me on this issue. As my husband listened to my struggle, he surprised me when he said for now he is supposed to be with me as I work this out. But he is not worried about the future.... he thinks we just keep making the best choices day to day... what a change in him...
As I was praying later, I realized this issue is connected to my eating. I overeat because there might not be enough later. I need to see how the future is secure before I can relax. This anxious tension drives so much of my thought-life and my eating. It seems like every waking moment is filled with worry about what to eat next, how to pay that bill or what else I want that we can't afford.
I'm not sure yet how its connected, but in prayer today I saw myself as a little girl. I was in my safe, beautiful place under the lilacs at my childhood home. I was sitting with my knees drawn up and head buried in my arms crying or in pain (as I so often see myself). Jesus was in the same position right next to me facing the opposite way. He reached out and put His arm around me, pulling me close.
As He did, I could hear my mom's words echoing in my heart, "no one will ever love you - you are not good enough - what a waste". I don't remember her ever saying those words, but its what I've always believed about myself.
Jesus began to whisper in my ear, "I love you - you are special and unique and beautiful." I asked if I could look in His eyes as He spoke - something that is hard for me to picture for some reason. I felt Him lift my chin and as I looked Him in the eye He said, "I planned you from the beginning of time. You fulfill a unique purpose. Your existence is needed for my plans. Without doing anything, just by existing, you fulfill a special and unique purpose."
I'm not sure what the connection is to this deep anxiousness in my soul, but there was a rest and peace that came with His words. So much of my energy is spent trying to prove my value. Somehow its connected to this need to have my future secured; to know where the next dollar and meal is coming from. Since my future is dependent on my performance, on the value of that performance, I want to know it was good enough to be fed and paid.
Oh, well - it doesn't make sense right now.... I guess these deep issues take time. I want a quick fix and lots of cash right now. Sigh... It will come when I am ready...
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