Pimples

I know its a gross analogy, but it's the closest picture I can find to what this process is like. God is dealing with me on my source of security and it feels like there are more and more little bubbles of gunk that have to work their way to the surface before the healing is complete.

Today I realized that one of the big reasons I long for a new, fulfilling job has to do with my performance-driven insecurity. I want to do something meaningful not because it makes the world better - I want to do it because it makes me feel better. I need to be productive, contribute something to the world, perform something that gets me loved.

Some of that's normal, but its the need that is getting worked out of my soul. If God calls me to wash dishes or scrub toilets for a living, then I want that to be ok. I think I'm getting closer. I surrendered more of that to Him today. I'll stay right here as long as it takes to work that need out of my system. And Jesus knows better than I do how long is needed for the spiritual change to be complete.

On a related front, I had to deal with some mounting medical bills today. I was able to call my husband and talk it over with him. What a joy it is to be able to open up to him and work out some of this just by letting him listen to me. When I remember this miracle in our marriage, it makes this current struggle seem pretty insignificant.

I realized that I don't like owing money. Credit cards are ok, it's by agreement and you pay for the privileged. It's the past due medical bills that upset me. My response is to commit to never letting myself get talked into another ambulance ride or overnight hospital stay for minor symptoms. My husband wouldn't let me get far down that path.... this was a necessary expense and we'll find a way to pay it.

The bottom line is that I don't like feeling out of control. I don't have any way of paying these bills in the natural. No, that's wrong - I just don't want to make the on-going sacrifices needed to pay them. But I sure can't pay them on time.

It's more than just a blow to my pride or ego. It's a sign that I'm not good enough. It means I'm not in control of my finances.  It shows I can't be trusted, that I'm not true to my word. It's embarrassing. I can't perform my way out of this one.

That bothers me, but it doesn't overwhelm me. God could do something big and wipe out the debt. Maybe He will. In the meantime, I'll keep plugging along doing what I can. He knows that needs to get worked out in my soul. In time, this ugly pimple with bust open and the healing can begin. Yucky picture, but reality in my world...