Who Am I?

It's a question I've wrestled with before. The answer was always "I am mom" or "I am wife" or "I am a good worker". I've been what I performed. I am the role I play. Only there is no role left to play. Where does that leave me?

I know these are questions everyone has to deal with - or at least should. It's amazing I've been able to put it off this long. The work we've done thru classes at church has helped tremendously. I think I'd be going crazy right now if I didn't have that foundation. At least I can somewhat calmly examine my feelings right now and try to understand what's going on inside me.

Grace finally has a functioning car. That was our last tie, the last thing she needed me for. It kept me in daily contact with her and Melody - and for longer periods of time. At best I see her 5 minutes every other day now. Melody is around more since I get to babysit, but she has adapted to her mom's life and doesn't look to me for much of anything anymore (except to use my electronics for her games).

And things are weird in my marriage right now. Maybe its just how I'm acting with my current mood. Hubby is distant and quiet these days. It's so much better than the seething anger from before, but it's so different from a few months ago when we first reconciled. I know we couldn't maintain that level of intensity, but I don't want to live like this forever either. I've had some missteps and offended him with my reaction to some of his opinions. I've apologized, but we are still so many worlds apart...

By far the deepest issue is not having anyone around who needs me anymore. I thought I was in a better place than this, but my emotional reaction is so strong. I'm bluesy all the time. It doesn't help that my job is boring and so empty - or that I keep getting passed over for those dream jobs I'm foolish enough to apply for.

There is absolutely nothing in my life right now that brings me pleasure. I can't eat my way out of it. I can't work or perform my way out of it. I can only hold on and wait for the emotions to pass. I soooooo want to DO something to earn value and prove my worth!

I was reminded today that I have accomplished good things in my life. And I know the correct answer - that I have value far beyond what I earn with my performance. But in this season, it's getting worked out at a much deeper level.

All is stripped away... I am more than my roles or my performance. What a hellish journey. I hope the rebuilding can begin soon - that the spring brings new growth in my spirit and soul. This has been a long, harsh winter...

Letting Go

I had a moment today when I had to let go again. Melody spent the morning with me, more sick and feverish than she's been in years. Yesterday when this was coming on, Grace managed to get off work and took her home to nurse her. Today I got a short turn, but Grace soon arrived to whisk her away again.

It felt so good to be helping, to fuss and scurry and make Melody comfortable. I was earning my place in her heart today. Then Grace came along and took it all away. See, Melody loves Grace more than me. And Grace loves Melody way more than me. That's supposed to make me feel good rather than guilty. I know in my head its a good thing, but my sick emotions want them to love me just as much as they do each other.

It's still so hard to function without earning love from those important to me. My response when I do something wrong with hubby is much more pronounced now. He calls it "going into my tunnel". I shut down. I don't go as quickly into the frantic pleasing mode - instead I withdraw. I can't say its much better, but at least hubby wants to work on it together.

So today I let go - of my need to be the mom, of my need to earn love and approval from my daughter and granddaughter, of my desire to be the center of my family's universe. Just for today, in this moment, I will let Grace and Melody discover the joy of being their own family, separate from me. I will let my feelings be mine to deal with...