I had a moment today when I had to let go again. Melody spent the morning with me, more sick and feverish than she's been in years. Yesterday when this was coming on, Grace managed to get off work and took her home to nurse her. Today I got a short turn, but Grace soon arrived to whisk her away again.
It felt so good to be helping, to fuss and scurry and make Melody comfortable. I was earning my place in her heart today. Then Grace came along and took it all away. See, Melody loves Grace more than me. And Grace loves Melody way more than me. That's supposed to make me feel good rather than guilty. I know in my head its a good thing, but my sick emotions want them to love me just as much as they do each other.
It's still so hard to function without earning love from those important to me. My response when I do something wrong with hubby is much more pronounced now. He calls it "going into my tunnel". I shut down. I don't go as quickly into the frantic pleasing mode - instead I withdraw. I can't say its much better, but at least hubby wants to work on it together.
So today I let go - of my need to be the mom, of my need to earn love and approval from my daughter and granddaughter, of my desire to be the center of my family's universe. Just for today, in this moment, I will let Grace and Melody discover the joy of being their own family, separate from me. I will let my feelings be mine to deal with...
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