Uncertain Future

Monday is the big day. I'm dreading it and excited at the same time. Grace has her final hearing with CPS. She gets permanent custody back. I already miss Melody so much - and my big fear is Grace will completely cut us out once she is given free rein. I don't think it's likely, since we still help in ways that would cost her money if we aren't around - and she really does seem to have Melody's best interests at heart. It would hurt Melody to be cut off too and I hope Grace would never do that her.

So I'm trying to savor the time I do have with Melody. She is much more focused on electronic games when she's with us, but I force her off often. And I really want to be consistent in my boundaries with her. It's always been a struggle, but it is even more now that I miss her and want to ensure she loves me. What better way to buy love than give in to a 10 year old? Funny thing is I see it building more contempt than affection - and creating confusion and hard feelings when the rest of the family sticks to their guns with her.

It's very difficult to envision a future without the girls at the center of my world. I remember about a year ago realizing this was the the goal - that they would get healthy and leave hubby and me alone. The thought at the time terrified me.

I seriously thought the only way out if that happened would be suicide since God doesn't allow divorce. He doesn't condone killing either... funny how emotions are not logical. That fear is gone now after the healing in my marriage, but it's still an uncertain future. Hubby is very discouraged about our different faiths. He has withdrawn quite a bit, although he still tries hard "to help me" when I express my fears.

I am very confident that I want to be in this marriage now. I know God has a plan for our union and a reason for us to go through this process. I have no idea how this will work out, especially if we remain distant and so unsure of each other. But at least I'm not afraid of him anymore - at least not in the same way. I know in a deeper way after our separation that I love the man and want to be with him... even if it's just the two of us.

I wish I could see the future - that it was not so uncertain. No one gets that luxury, so I'll do my best to savor each day and the relationships that bless my life. One day at a time without control of the outcome. Pretty different approach for me....