Terrified

I realized last night as I was falling asleep after another HUGE food binge that I'm terrified. And the thing that terrifies me is what drove me to the very action that scares me so much - a vicious circle that spun pretty tight and fast last night.

I'm getting so many compliments on my weight loss. Virtually everyone comments almost every day any more. I'm approaching the 75 pound mark and I announce that with every compliment. Every time the words leave my mouth, the fear grows... What if I put the weight back on? I've never even come close to anything like this before. Everyone sees it. They will all see the weight go back on to. How embarrassing that would be! They would all laugh or pity me. God, I gotta do this! I have to keep up the performance!!! I have to DO this now to save face. 

 What a huge trigger for my performance anxiety. Which triggers eating for distraction and comfort. Which triggers weight gain. It was a big discovery to recognize that fear in me. I am so deeply tied to performance at so many levels. All people must like me at all times or I die trying to make it so.

As I prayed last night just before falling asleep, I saw myself on the edge of big cliff. I was walking right along the edge and was terrified. (It makes my palms sweat just to see that picture again, I hate heights!) But Jesus was there. It wasn't that He was calling me to step off the edge, but He assured me that if I misstep, I won't fall. Like when the Raiders Of The Lost Ark guy had to step onto that invisible bridge to get to the ark, there is solid footing even in midair with my Savior.

I'm not sure what the next step will be. I think there is some pretty big healing needed to address this buried sense of shame that I constantly strive to conquer with performance. Funny, I had a picture last summer of living with my mom and some healing between us while I was there. At the time, I thought that confirmed that I'd be moving in with her when I separated from my husband. I remember being confused when that didn't work out at the time. But I'm spending a week with her starting in a few days after her hip replacement. Hummm.... Interesting....

But for today, I'm back to peace. No one has complimented me yet today - ha! I hope I can remember the goal is health, not weight loss. Its a big milestone to drop 75 pounds, but the bigger victory is the ability to freely choose my food based on what I want, not driven by emotions I'm trying to keep buried...

Changes

I have fleeting thoughts almost daily about my journey that I wish I could record here, but as usual I've filled up my life with busy things that make me feel good. For me, the "feel good" tool is not drugs. It's performance - almost as good as any illegal drug and just about as deadly. I crave approval and that sense of doing "good".

But I think I also avoid writing here because it means I have to think and process things too. I know that is the case today, so I'm going to force a few minutes to put some of these thoughts to words.

I am amazed at how quickly I return to bad habits. My eating is a good example, but it applys to my performance addition, my thoughts, my habits. I ate like a pig last night. It was Mother's Day with my family. I love being with them and it was a glorious day at Mom's with bright sun, laughter and good food. But when I got home, I let myself go and ate every kind of junk food I could find.

I wouldn't let myself process it at the time.I kinda thought in the back of my mind it was because it was hard seeing my mom with her health decline. Or missing dad. But I think it really was the comments about my weight loss. Its hard to hear the compliments, especially from my family.

Some of that discomfort is because of all people, they should know me. I'm still the same person no matter what size my butt is. It's nice to have their approval, but somehow I wish there was a way to know that approval when I'm fat, or not getting something published or any of those things that mom finds so important. Sigh...

I was reminded this morning that this weight loss is about being healthy, not about getting approved or noticed. I still don't like the attention for my body - guess there are some issues there. I've always felt ugly and being fat was a protection from that. If I'm fat, I'm ugly because of the fat, not because of something deeper. I'm stripping away that layer of protection. Humm.... need to pray over that a bit....

I recognized today that these compliments are a chance to give an honest, more complete response about the growth in my life. The smaller butt is a reflection of the change in my heart and mind. I'm not turning to food for comfort as much. But I'm not turning to God as much as I need to when my heart becomes unsettled.

I also know that I'm afraid to share more of my heart when I get these compliments. But I think God is calling me to this - to open myself up a bit and let people know this isn't just a "look good" campaign. It goes hand in hand with letting go of my daughter's drug addiction - and releasing my granddaughter - and standing strong in a faith my husband now declares he hates.

Today's reading was in John 15: ¹⁵ I do not call you servants (slaves) any longer, for the servant does not know what his master is doing (working out). But I have called you My friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from My Father. [I have revealed to you everything that I have learned from Him.] ¹⁶ You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as ^[b]presenting all that I Am], He may give it to you.

This grace outpoured in my life isn't just for me. It's to spill out to those around me. Risky, but if He's called me then His Love will cover me. As I continue to learn to run to Him first, He becomes my protection - my source of comfort and truth and security. It's amazing to me how real His Truth has become to me - that I am loved and complete and lovely... What a good place to focus and rest as my body recovers from this latest food overload.