Terrified

I realized last night as I was falling asleep after another HUGE food binge that I'm terrified. And the thing that terrifies me is what drove me to the very action that scares me so much - a vicious circle that spun pretty tight and fast last night.

I'm getting so many compliments on my weight loss. Virtually everyone comments almost every day any more. I'm approaching the 75 pound mark and I announce that with every compliment. Every time the words leave my mouth, the fear grows... What if I put the weight back on? I've never even come close to anything like this before. Everyone sees it. They will all see the weight go back on to. How embarrassing that would be! They would all laugh or pity me. God, I gotta do this! I have to keep up the performance!!! I have to DO this now to save face. 

 What a huge trigger for my performance anxiety. Which triggers eating for distraction and comfort. Which triggers weight gain. It was a big discovery to recognize that fear in me. I am so deeply tied to performance at so many levels. All people must like me at all times or I die trying to make it so.

As I prayed last night just before falling asleep, I saw myself on the edge of big cliff. I was walking right along the edge and was terrified. (It makes my palms sweat just to see that picture again, I hate heights!) But Jesus was there. It wasn't that He was calling me to step off the edge, but He assured me that if I misstep, I won't fall. Like when the Raiders Of The Lost Ark guy had to step onto that invisible bridge to get to the ark, there is solid footing even in midair with my Savior.

I'm not sure what the next step will be. I think there is some pretty big healing needed to address this buried sense of shame that I constantly strive to conquer with performance. Funny, I had a picture last summer of living with my mom and some healing between us while I was there. At the time, I thought that confirmed that I'd be moving in with her when I separated from my husband. I remember being confused when that didn't work out at the time. But I'm spending a week with her starting in a few days after her hip replacement. Hummm.... Interesting....

But for today, I'm back to peace. No one has complimented me yet today - ha! I hope I can remember the goal is health, not weight loss. Its a big milestone to drop 75 pounds, but the bigger victory is the ability to freely choose my food based on what I want, not driven by emotions I'm trying to keep buried...