The Dog Is Dead

We put the dog down last week. It was way overdue -the poor thing suffered for months. Hubby let it be my decision and I waited too long, trying to get buy off from Grace and Melody. In the end, we just had to do it. I was blessed that hubby rearranged his schedule to help when he saw my tears at the thought of taking the poor pup to the vet alone. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, which surprised me.

I was the least affectionate with the dog of anyone in the family. But I still miss her terribly. It's such an adjustment - a huge change in habit. We've had a pet for 25 years, all Grace's pets that we inherited. I always gave Grace what she wanted, then picked up the pieces. When it came to the pets, it was a pain sometimes, but the companionship was nice. Funny, that's what I did with her daughter too. But that's a different story.

So now I face a truly empty house. The dog was the last tie to my old life as mother and caretaker. I'm scared and tired and worried and unsure. I am so grateful that my husband and I have this new (yet familiar and hopeful) relationship to build on now. But I know it won't be easy. I have to change once again.

I don't have to pick up poop in the back yard (or the living room) any more, but there won't be anyone to greet me when I come home either. I'll have a solid green lawn without piddle holes now, but the house is too quiet. I can throw food away in the trash can and it won't get tossed all over the floor as soon as my back is turned, but I'll eat my meals alone.

See, relationships are messy and inconvenient, even with pets. They take time and work. They leave behind poop piles that need to be cleaned up. But they are worth it. Knowing that, I think some of the empty nest fears will be addressed as I continue to focus on building healthy relationships in my life. I am blessed with a wonderful family, loving friends and a great neighborhood. So, here's to yet another transition! I've seen enough now to know it will be hard, but I'll make it. And life will be better on the other side.

Mary & Martha

Luke 10:³⁸ Now while they were on their way, it occurred that Jesus entered a certain village, and a woman named Martha received and welcomed Him into her house. ³⁹ And she had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was listening to His teaching. ⁴⁰ But Martha [overly occupied and too busy] was distracted with much serving; and she came up to Him and said, Lord, is it nothing to You that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me [to lend a hand and do her part along with me]! ⁴¹ But the Lord replied to her by saying, Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; ⁴² There is need of only one or but ^[i]a few things. Mary has chosen the good portion [^[j]that which is to her advantage], which shall not be taken away from her.

I am such a Martha. I LOVE doing good works. I swear I get a high from cleaning house or getting a mission accomplished or doing something I think is nice for someone (doesn't matter if it's what they need, just that I think it's what they need). It feels so damn good to sit back and survey the completed task and know I done good.

I guess it soothes my often troubled soul - that I have to prove my worth somehow. I can glance at the clean window and be reminded I'm worth something. You'd think I'd do a better job at keeping the house clean. I know some of this feeling is natural and good. It's this inner drive, the obsessive need that I recognize is out of balance.

I saw it clearly this last week caring for my mom after hip surgery. I spent the week scurrying around, cleaning up the dark corners and weeding and cooking and getting her house set up. Finally, on the last day I realized mom had spent the whole week laying in bed alone, hurting and lonely. The house looks great but the occupant is miserable.

I've always struggled with a Martha complex. But Jesus said Mary chose the better way when she sat at His feet and just related. I caught myself trying to justify just a little bit of my Martha yesterday. Balance is good right? But I noted in scripture that morning that Jesus choose to appear first to the brokenhearted Mary when He rose from the dead. She cared, she felt her need, her loss. How frightening! But He met her there...

"The Lord replied... Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things." How does He know my heart so well? At least for this season of my life, Mary needs to be my role model. I'm not sure how, but there is truth and freedom and healing in following her footsteps. Think I'll start by sitting at the feet of Jesus and see what He wants to teach me today...