Just For Today

Just for today, I will breathe and hold on. So weird that I have to say that when things on the surface look so good. It's like the fairly constant compliments on my weight loss: "You look soooo GOOD!". I want to scream back at them: "I still feel soooo BAD!" The size of my butt does nothing to change my heart or my emotions, as much as I wish it did.

I  hope writing out the lessons from the weekend will help me face my husband and share these things with him. I don't have any answers, nor do I think he is the source of my blues. I just think I'm supposed to lay it out there for him, not hide it or pretend it's all ok.

The girls and I went camping this weekend. It was our big event for the year. I was so excited... but it was cloudy and cold most of the time. They wanted to come home early, so we cut the trip short. I'll save the vacation day for a hot day when we can go back up and swim. All logical and good. But I'm disappointed - and more.

This was my first time camping (outside of church group camps) since my single days. It brought back lots of memories of camping with my family, especially my dad. I wish he were here so I could ask him how a parent let's go of their child...

It's so clear that Grace and Melody have built a good, separate life for themselves. There are still things I wish I could change between them, but not much. They love each other and are best friends now. Its wonderful and terrifying to see. They don't need me at all. What a wonderful blessing considering the last couple of years.

But their new life leaves me so empty. I could fill the emptiness up with food - or do-good activities. But I'm so tired of running 100 miles an hour. I've got enough to do already. I realize I just want to savor what time I get with them and let the grieving process. I know it will get better eventually.

I recognized late last night that I am grieving the loss of my family unit. The memories of dad this weekend, talks with Grace, playing with Melody - all things I grieved in my disappointment and sorrow when I got home last night. I also recognized that things are not perfect in our family.

I realized that Grace is still a very sick lady. She didn't realize the plan was to come back late Monday. But she still needed her methadone dose from the clinic Monday morning. She can't leave town for more than 3 days at a time. She is still addicted, just to something else. We lost her keys for several hours Sunday, with her take home methadone dose locked in her car. It was a panic for all of us and hammered home her dependance on the new drug.

In our panic, I called hubby to come rescue us with his tools to break into her car. He was on his way when we found the keys. But it was so nice to not be afraid to call him, to know he would not be angry or express frustration at our stupidity or to have to hear his lectures. He just dropped everything and came.

Grace mentioned that he is much nicer with me now. Most of the time he is. He is not as gentle with her yet. He's better, but still sits in judgement more often than not. Plus she is so sensitive to his criticism, it doesn't take much for her to feel condemned. Even I saw some of that old man when I got home last night.

I arrived home melancholy, sorry to cut the trip short but grateful for the time with the girls. We loved the huge new tent that hubby got for his end-of-the-world preparations. The girls were going set it up in their yard when we got back, but hubby immediately took possession of the tent as soon as we opened the car door. It was unexpected after his gracious response on the key rescue. Watching the girls plan their time enjoying the tent in their space brought me joy, only to be taken away by a very tense man. We so quickly moved into that familiar role, hurry to bring all his things back before unpacking anything else - try to ease his tension before and above all else.

I'd forgotten for a moment that the tent is his; it does not belong to the family. He was not pleased with my disagreement on his decision not to share the tent. It brought home my concern that if we indeed have to head to the woods to live out the tribulation with him, we will be only be very tentative guests reliant on his  approval to use his supplies. Sigh..... but that will probably be the least of our worries if that happens.

The other thing this exchange brought home was our need to let the girls choose their own path. The reason hubby won't let them use the tent is because they would allow their pet rats in the tent. I'm grossed out by their pets, but they are loved and cherished members of the girl's family. This is a chance for us to endorse their new family unit and not let our personal feelings prohibit us from doing something for them that we would allow if we approved of their choices.

I need to share most of this with hubby. He may continue to respond with tension and possession. I hate the thought of living alone for the rest of my life with the man I saw last night. He is so much better most of the time - but the old patterns are so strong at the first sign of tension. I can only share my heart and hope....

Just for today, I choose to breathe and hope for a better, full life with a man I love, but who can so easily hurt me. The girls don't need me anymore. All a 55 year old woman could want.... so I hold on til the grieving is complete.

Sighs...

I know I'll adjust to this eventually. The goal is to build a healthy place that I am adjusting to. Like exercise. I noticed on my walk last night that I hardly broke a sweat. It's been a long time since I took that route and I've done lots of gym time and even some running since I last took that route. It was so much easier this time - I felt guilty, like I wasn't really exercising.

Then I got home and ate like a pig - and finished it off this morning with 4 huge doughnuts. Now not only am I sick to my stomach, my heart aches. How could I have done so well for so long to blow it so bad? I guess it's only a few hours of eating frenzy, but the overall peace is fading from my life and I'm afraid.

The house is so damn empty. I miss the dog. I miss Melody. I miss my husband. I miss fellowship with my friends from church. I miss my support system. Sigh... such a low view of this wonderful life I have.

Hubby is very distracted with some very big issues at work. He's not home much and when he at the house he's often on the phone or somewhere else mentally. It's selfish of me, but I wish he could see me when he's there, know that I'm hurting and struggling.

Yet I am a big part of our growing distance. A part of me is afraid that if we focus too much on each other our religious differences will come up again. I don't want to go there again. I know I disappoint him with my views. I understand his longing for unity in this most important area of our lives. I appreciate that he doesn't try to force this anymore. But I can see his wish for a like-minded, submissive wife. Sigh....

So, for today I sit here, full of sighs and doughnuts. Not the place I want to be, but knowing that eventually I'll adjust to this new normal. I mentioned by concern about our growing distance to hubby, my pastor just called for an impromptu dinner date for the ladies, I see the girls for lunch today - all good steps in this wonderful life I have.

Hope And Fear

This new life is everything I had hoped for - and all I feared. The girls are doing so well. It's all I could have dreamed for. And they are doing it without much from me. It's healthy and good and all it should be. And my marriage is so much better than it ever has been. I'm working, we can pay the bills, the house is beautiful.

And my fears of being unneeded are also being realized. What is someone like me supposed to do if no one needs me? I am fighting the urge to fill the time with more duties and commitments. My life is already so full it makes most people's head spin. But there are an increasing number of moments when I don't have anything pressing on me. That leaves me hanging; too full of my thoughts, feelings, memories. A fearful thing indeed.

I read an interesting column today - The Busy Trap. Author Tim Kreider had some interesting insights... how we use our busyness to puff up our egos, to fill the void of no real life, to run from ourselves. "Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day."

Much of this I already recognize in myself. I've been talking about it for years; dancing around the edges pretending I had all this insight and wisdom. Now it gets real. Now I face an empty house each night. Now I have to deal with the things I do to drive my husband away. Now I have to face my lack of friends, my shallow relationship with God.

I know I'll get there - that I will weather this transition in time. But it's interesting to realize that the very thing I had hoped for forces me to face the fears I'd been hiding from. Hope and fear mingle once again in this messy thing called life...