Sighs...

I know I'll adjust to this eventually. The goal is to build a healthy place that I am adjusting to. Like exercise. I noticed on my walk last night that I hardly broke a sweat. It's been a long time since I took that route and I've done lots of gym time and even some running since I last took that route. It was so much easier this time - I felt guilty, like I wasn't really exercising.

Then I got home and ate like a pig - and finished it off this morning with 4 huge doughnuts. Now not only am I sick to my stomach, my heart aches. How could I have done so well for so long to blow it so bad? I guess it's only a few hours of eating frenzy, but the overall peace is fading from my life and I'm afraid.

The house is so damn empty. I miss the dog. I miss Melody. I miss my husband. I miss fellowship with my friends from church. I miss my support system. Sigh... such a low view of this wonderful life I have.

Hubby is very distracted with some very big issues at work. He's not home much and when he at the house he's often on the phone or somewhere else mentally. It's selfish of me, but I wish he could see me when he's there, know that I'm hurting and struggling.

Yet I am a big part of our growing distance. A part of me is afraid that if we focus too much on each other our religious differences will come up again. I don't want to go there again. I know I disappoint him with my views. I understand his longing for unity in this most important area of our lives. I appreciate that he doesn't try to force this anymore. But I can see his wish for a like-minded, submissive wife. Sigh....

So, for today I sit here, full of sighs and doughnuts. Not the place I want to be, but knowing that eventually I'll adjust to this new normal. I mentioned by concern about our growing distance to hubby, my pastor just called for an impromptu dinner date for the ladies, I see the girls for lunch today - all good steps in this wonderful life I have.