Creeping

It's funny how subtle and undetectable the slow creep back into numbness can be. I suppose its better than the crisis and chaos, but finding that elusive balance of being alive, in-tune with life and healthy even when things are going well is a challenge for me. The numbness slips over me, just like so many unhealthy habits in my life - that tendency to distract myself with food or reading or movies or busyness. To be honest, I know I am in a much better place than I was three years ago. Just to be able to recognize the creep is a big improvement.

I realized the other day as I was bemoaning my 10 pound weight gain and return to old eating habits, that I shouldn't be surprised that it will take a few years to establish new, healthy habits after 45 years of eating like a pig. The same is true in my marriage (the current focus of my creep concerns).

We have so easily fallen into a friendly, distant coexistence. Trust me, its waaaaaaay better than the at-your-throat relationship of the last few years, or the dislike/distrust/really-I-hate-you-but-I-have-to-live-with-you-to-please-God relationship of most of our marriage. That was one of the most important, deep, rock-bottom realizations for me from our separation; I love this man and want to be with him for the rest of my life. It's just the living with him in our broken state that is so hard.

So, we are seeing a counselor. I recognize some important first steps for me:

1. Start writing down my feelings (thus this blog post). Don't leave those things swirling around underneath the surface, pulling things away with that subtle undercurrent without at least naming it.
2. Build more relationships. My support group of women has gone. I need to find a way to connect with friends beyond the "hi, how are ya" or "what's on the agenda for today" mode.
3. I long to connect with God at a deeper level. I have very effective tools at my fingertips. I just need to turn away from my sick tools (eating, reading novels) and spend time walking the healthy path.

So, for today (maybe 'for this moment' is more realistic), I will choose better health. Not perfect health. Not even mostly good. Just better health in my eating, my time, my thoughts and my prayers. God is good. All the time.