Hope & Truth

One step at a time. One breath. Savor each moment of sun. Hold on thru the moments of sadness. They will pass. These are my lessons this week...

Just writing that little bit last week helped. Then hubby wanted to talk. I couldn't share anything with him other than I am struggling and am sorry it is hard for him. When I'm stronger, I'll open up again. It may only hurt again, but it's part of marriage, the tough part.

I've realized a lot of my sorrow doesn't come from my marriage. It's just easier to blame all on him for some reason. Mama's health is declining. It's draining to go to the doctor with her, fuss over medication, run interference with family - but mostly to watch her decline. It's not her anymore. She's functioning but her personality has changed. It's sad.

And I'm crazy scared about Melody. She just turned 12. Grace let her spend the night last night here with some friends. The house is soooooo quiet now. I'm lonely and I miss her. I feel like she's the only relationship I haven't screwed up yet. As she grows and becomes independent, I'll lose her too. Grace started her rebellion at 12. Started pills at 13. Started drinking at 14.  I'll die if Melody goes that same path. She's decided to leave Christian school and attend public school next year. I am frightened.

The mature part of my spirit recognizes these are feelings, not truth. I felt God whisper to me this week, "Your husband is not truth - I am truth." Hubby does not know absolute truth anymore than I do. His words over me - that I am in sin, that I am in rebellion, that I deserve this crappy marriage because of my refusal to believe the same things he does - those are not truth. My feelings of sorrow are not truth. What Father God speaks over me is truth. Jesus my beloved is truth. I am not alone. Therein lies hope for my future and trust for Melody as she embarks on her twelfth year. One breath at a time, holding onto hope and truth thru the sorrow.

Funny

Funny, the dream I described in the last post lead to our last big "discussion" - and now I don't dare bring up anything personal with him again. I can't bear to be hurt anymore. I just don't know what he will say or how he will interpret my words or thoughts. But he will see them as motivated by sin and darkness and selfishness.

Funny, staying silent and distant isn't making my life any better. I'm barely hanging onto my sanity. I wish we could afford to see my counselor. Maybe writing out my feelings here will help - can't hurt I guess. I just wish I had thicker skin and these things didn't bother me so much.

Funny, but not really. Ironic. Sad. Lonely. Those are better words. But this suffocating blackness is anything but funny.