I have three main voices competing inside my head - my husband, the enemy and the Holy Spirit. My husband's words are the loudest, since they are the most recent and guide my day to day interaction. The enemy uses hubby's voice to do his work, uses hubby's words to trigger those long-buried beliefs that I am worthless and ugly. But I am coming to realize that the voice of the Holy Spirit is more of a whisper in my life, at least right now.
My challenge is which voice am I going to listen to? Do I keep replaying all those negative tapes from hubby (which he doesn't mean to be hurtful - so it should be ok, right?). Or the subtle but oh-so-constant suggestions by the enemy and his minions about how mean he is, that he doesn't love me, that I'm not good enough, that we'll never figure this out, about how wrong he is and how righteous I am.
Or do I slow down, focus and listen to the lover of my soul softly singing over me? In those rare moments when I tune out the noise and allow my spirit to come into tune with His, His Voice is so sweet. And the words are just right. And I am lifted and sing back in worship. For my Creator has made me new. He has redeemed me and set me free. I am my Beloved and He is mine...
Even if my marriage is empty and I never know when I am going to offend my husband - I am loved by God Almighty. Even if my daughter and granddaughter hardly need me anymore - my gifts are desired by the King of the universe. Even if my mom is weak and frail and the family dynamics are draining - the Master has a plan and a purpose. In the midst of the struggle, may I hear the whispers of love louder than the lies of hate. Because God's whispers are truth and no matter how strong or loud or repetitive, everything else is just noise...
You are needed, Karen. I am sorry the people closest to you fail to appreciate you or make you feel loved and needed and valuable and treasured, but you are all of those things. I will pray that, above whatever the day holds, there will be a sense of peace and truth that you are exactly who you are meant to be and you are beloved. I pray the Holy Spirit's voice will rise above all the other ones, making it easier to grab onto that as truth and use it to help protect you against the hurtfulness of the people around you. And I will pray for those relationships, too. I always look forward to seeing you, Karen, and I know I am not the only one. There's nothing wrong or unlovable about who you are. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tamara. I know that in my head but my heart is still learning. In some ways its a natural process of letting go. It's good and right that my girls don't "need" me anymore. My daughter is 33 years old, it's time! I know they love me and that is enough most of the time. Thanks for caring!
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