November 19th - Tender Fire
Matthew 1-4
1: do not be afraid to take to you Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. 21 And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.”
3:16 When He had been baptized, Jesus came up immediately from the water; and behold, the heavens were opened to Him, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting upon Him. 17 And suddenly a voice came from heaven, saying, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
4:16 The people who sat in darkness have seen a great light,
And upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death
Light has dawned.”
I'm struck in today's reading about how faithfully God spoke to Joseph in his dreams; very specific and true facts that Joseph then acted on. My dreams are becoming more powerful as I get older and I sense the Holy Spirit so strongly in that semi-sleep state between dreams and wakefulness. I pray for more clarity in this gift, more specifics and direction.
I also note the difference in the descriptions of Jesus as he was baptized. Speaking to the Pharisees, John described Jesus as a winnowing fork and an unquenchable fire that would consume all chaff. Yet the Father speaks in tenderness, sending a meek dove to rest on Jesus. I am drawn to the tenderness of the Father and the safety it offers. But I know the truth of God's fire and the strength of his power. Both are true and important parts of this God who loves me.
Funny - Mark would be drawn to the fire and death of all unrighteousness. I hope someday I can grow strong enough in confidence of Jesus' tender love that I am no longer threatened by the thought of all-consuming fire. I can walk in the furnace as Daniel did and not a hair will be touched.
Fuel for my spirit and the newest task set before me ~ to forgive my husband for the burden of our house. I know he has said he was sorry, but only in passing and when forced. And I am at fault for letting my fear of his anger keep me from pursing correction at the time. I was so driven by the hope that this remodel would finally make him happy with our home, that maybe he would actually want to be with me, that he might find some peace and contentment and rest and joy in the life we share. I sooooo wanted there to be one less thing he was unhappy about that I gladly agreed to the remodel at any cost.
I resent his disregard for my concerns when the contractor started cheating us. I hate how I backed down so completely when Mark immediately got angry. I hate how he still disregards my concerns and complains that I am only trying to manipulate him. I hate how I have no choice but to back down in order to keep any peace between us.
There is more emotion on this issue buried. I need to let it work its way to the surface before waving the magic wand of forgiveness. Mark won't participate in this process, so I need to work it through with you, Holy Spirit. I choose truth over comfort. I seek healing over safety. I am ready for the fire to burn away the chaff...
November 20th - Voiceless
Matthew 5-7
25 “Therefore
I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what
you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life
more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look
at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into
barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value
than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Rich, rich teaching directly from Jesus in these chapters. I'm not sure what to do with the contradictions. We are told not to worry, yet later Jesus says to ask and keep asking. And what do we take literally and what is figurative? He didn't literally mean that we should cut out our eye... In part I think its a focus on the big picture, the end goal - to reflect Him more clearly to this hurting world. To hate sin and love God above all. And its the order of things, His kingdom first, food and shelter second. That's a hard choice for me right now as we face not being able to pay the bills for the first time.
It's like I have no voice. I speak but I am not heard. It is wrong that Mark won't take a job right now. It was wrong that he hired a crook and then wouldn't listen when I voiced concern. He says he listens but then he does as he pleases. And I am supposed to submit joyfully.
That's the most painful part of this. He believes that I have no right to a voice, even with God. God only speaks through him. I can only reach God through him. He is first, I am less. Even though I know he is very wrong, its draining to live with his beliefs. And ultimately he exercises complete control. I couldn't stop him from hiring who he wanted. I can't force him to go to work.
So I'm left with no voice. Just empty silence knowing he sits across from me night after night full of bitterness, anger and pain. It matches my own. We sit and wait for the other to cave, to give up and sacrifice our faith to save our marriage. There must be some other way...
5:3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
For they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
For they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
6:6 But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.
Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Rich, rich teaching directly from Jesus in these chapters. I'm not sure what to do with the contradictions. We are told not to worry, yet later Jesus says to ask and keep asking. And what do we take literally and what is figurative? He didn't literally mean that we should cut out our eye... In part I think its a focus on the big picture, the end goal - to reflect Him more clearly to this hurting world. To hate sin and love God above all. And its the order of things, His kingdom first, food and shelter second. That's a hard choice for me right now as we face not being able to pay the bills for the first time.
It's like I have no voice. I speak but I am not heard. It is wrong that Mark won't take a job right now. It was wrong that he hired a crook and then wouldn't listen when I voiced concern. He says he listens but then he does as he pleases. And I am supposed to submit joyfully.
That's the most painful part of this. He believes that I have no right to a voice, even with God. God only speaks through him. I can only reach God through him. He is first, I am less. Even though I know he is very wrong, its draining to live with his beliefs. And ultimately he exercises complete control. I couldn't stop him from hiring who he wanted. I can't force him to go to work.
So I'm left with no voice. Just empty silence knowing he sits across from me night after night full of bitterness, anger and pain. It matches my own. We sit and wait for the other to cave, to give up and sacrifice our faith to save our marriage. There must be some other way...
December 3rd - Hidden Tears
Romans 13-16
14:13 Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way. 14 I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. 15 Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil; 17 for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19 Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
Mark's eating limitations are a symbol of the many restrictions that are placed on my life in order to live in peace with him. There is balance, he is also required to make choices that edify my end of the relationship. It feels one way to me but he claims he gives up a great deal daily to live in a non-Jewish home with me.
Please God of heaven, show me how to live in righteousness, peace and joy in the midst of this misery. There must be answers that I can access regardless of his choices. There has to be something other than this eggshell dance of silence and hidden tears. PLEASE show me, Jesus!
14:13 Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother’s way. 14 I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. 15 Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil; 17 for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19 Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.
Mark's eating limitations are a symbol of the many restrictions that are placed on my life in order to live in peace with him. There is balance, he is also required to make choices that edify my end of the relationship. It feels one way to me but he claims he gives up a great deal daily to live in a non-Jewish home with me.
Please God of heaven, show me how to live in righteousness, peace and joy in the midst of this misery. There must be answers that I can access regardless of his choices. There has to be something other than this eggshell dance of silence and hidden tears. PLEASE show me, Jesus!
December 13th - Fire and Bread
I have a couple of pictures rumbling around in my head that help define
this season in our lives (both mine and the girls). Refiners fire and
kneading dough.
A refining fire burns out dross (garbage, fluff, impurities). It separates the pure metal from 'regular' rock. It creates deadly gases. The impure metal must be separated from the pure, poured off into new containers. It's hot, painful and dangerous.
Through this season of financial crisis and emotional darkness, I can give in to the dangers - breathe the fumes and die (give in to the darkness and go over the edge emotionally). I can stir the pot too much and not let the metals heat and separate out as they should (worry and fuss and strive to make things happen on my own). I can try to dull the fire and keep it too cool to do its work (rescuing the girls, taking a second job to make ends meet).
The softer and lighter the bread, the longer it needs to be kneaded. A soft roll goes thru the kneading and rising process at least twice. Kneading pushes and pulls the kinks out of the dough. The deep massage mixes the ingredients in ways a fork cannot. There is a change in texture an experienced baker comes to know when the dough is ready. It takes time, patience, a warm oven and strong hands.
This is a more comforting picture. It's still hard to be the dough, to be pushed and pulled and mixed to just the right consistency. But the longer the kneading, the longer the patient wait for the dough to rise, the softer and sweeter the bread. Perhaps our lives are not only being turned into purified metal (rich in the things that really matter) but we are being prepared as food for others - that our story will inspire and the softness of our lives will feed the hurting around us.
My key is to focus on the refiner, the baker. He is the expert and knows how to manage the process. He knows just how hot to build the fire, just how long to let the dough rise. I am comforted when I look at Him. It's easy to look at the circumstances and pray for God to do a miracle. I look up at Him occasionally pleading for things to change. I point out the hardships and remind Him that He is all-powerful. He could change it in an instant.
But my finger is pointed at the problem, my focus is downward at the hurt - not upward at His loving face. He holds my heart tenderly even in the storm, especially in the storm. His eyes towards us are filled with love and mercy. The waiting, the heat, the kneading are for my good. I can trust Him.
A refining fire burns out dross (garbage, fluff, impurities). It separates the pure metal from 'regular' rock. It creates deadly gases. The impure metal must be separated from the pure, poured off into new containers. It's hot, painful and dangerous.
Through this season of financial crisis and emotional darkness, I can give in to the dangers - breathe the fumes and die (give in to the darkness and go over the edge emotionally). I can stir the pot too much and not let the metals heat and separate out as they should (worry and fuss and strive to make things happen on my own). I can try to dull the fire and keep it too cool to do its work (rescuing the girls, taking a second job to make ends meet).
The softer and lighter the bread, the longer it needs to be kneaded. A soft roll goes thru the kneading and rising process at least twice. Kneading pushes and pulls the kinks out of the dough. The deep massage mixes the ingredients in ways a fork cannot. There is a change in texture an experienced baker comes to know when the dough is ready. It takes time, patience, a warm oven and strong hands.
This is a more comforting picture. It's still hard to be the dough, to be pushed and pulled and mixed to just the right consistency. But the longer the kneading, the longer the patient wait for the dough to rise, the softer and sweeter the bread. Perhaps our lives are not only being turned into purified metal (rich in the things that really matter) but we are being prepared as food for others - that our story will inspire and the softness of our lives will feed the hurting around us.
My key is to focus on the refiner, the baker. He is the expert and knows how to manage the process. He knows just how hot to build the fire, just how long to let the dough rise. I am comforted when I look at Him. It's easy to look at the circumstances and pray for God to do a miracle. I look up at Him occasionally pleading for things to change. I point out the hardships and remind Him that He is all-powerful. He could change it in an instant.
But my finger is pointed at the problem, my focus is downward at the hurt - not upward at His loving face. He holds my heart tenderly even in the storm, especially in the storm. His eyes towards us are filled with love and mercy. The waiting, the heat, the kneading are for my good. I can trust Him.
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