Prayer For Direction

The antidepressants are helping, but I still don't see a way out of this mess. Bottom line, I want this marriage to work. It would take a series of great miracles and I don't hold any hope any more. That leaves me with my second choice. I want out. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the one to break up this fragile family. I don't want to take the financial hit. But even more I don't want to live with  him knowing that even a little honesty from me sends him to that place of anger and hate.

I think we are getting close. Melody is terrified of him after he cornered her in his truck telling her the world is ending in 5 weeks. She was in tears. I confronted Mark and his response was he needs to talk to her again, in part to correct the wrong things I told her when she asked me about it. I apologized to Melody for betraying her confidence. Grace and I decided that Mark no longer gets time alone with her. She doesn't want to be around him at all. Grace insists the issue is off-limits but we both know World War III will be unleashed when that restriction is imposed. So we'll avoid it as best we can. But this might be the big one. The right approach is so clear yet he is so set on his views I don't think he'll bend.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
  
My prayer all day has been reminding myself and telling Jesus that I trust Him even though I don't understand this and I don't see a way out. But I acknowledge that He knows what He is orchestrating and I trust Him to direct my path. 

Glimmer

We had another "discussion" but with a better outcome. He seemed to understand when I told him I can't go on. He at least acknowledged my pain. We walked through a conflict resolution technique to try to address our differences with how to handle the finances. We were able to end in peace and I felt heard... a glimmer of hope.

Besides, his mom died last week unexpectedly. I was waiting until this time of fasting and prayer was complete before making any firm decision. For now I think I am to wait, although I am insisting on a few changes:

• I will spend the money to get a physical and ask about starting anti-depressants.
• I will spend the money to renew counseling.
• I hope he will agree to get the windows in the car repaired.

I want to document the prophecy spoken over me tonight, what I can remember anyway... The first picture was of a mine with small rail cars going deep, getting filled, coming to the surface, getting emptied and then repeating the cycle. The second picture was similar, a water wheel getting filled with water, spinning and generating power. Fill/empty/fill/empty/fill/empty again. I've lost trust and that is inhibiting the flow, the power. But God will soon connect the dots. I've been focused on just some of the dots, but He is working on bringing them all together. His power, the flow of His Spirit as I trust Him will pull together all these pieces that don't make sense right now. His promises will be fulfilled - I can trust Him. I have been given a gift of being able to see the gold buried in people, the ability to reach inside and "mine" that gold from deep within them and bring it to the surface.

Done

I think I'm done. Funny I should feel so numb coming to that conclusion after 34 years. I've given my all and the one thing I can't give is the one thing he has to have to even begin to try.

Maybe I'm not numb. I'm pissed. He lied to me.He repented and said he was sorry for the very same thing he is doing now. Bastard. Liar. How can he claim to be godly when he does that?

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.

It's gonna be so scary and hard. But I can't go on...